iPad Love

If you follow me on Twitter or are friends with me on Facebook, then you MAY have heard that I just got the brand new 2017 iPad. I am IN LOVE!!!!!ūüėć It is AH-MAZING. It is GORGEOUS. I got it in gold & it is just WOW. I got a BUNCH of accessories to go with it, including an awesome Bluetooth magnetic keyboard with is how I am writing this blog right now. I got the iPad & TONS of incredible goodies from HSN on Flexpay because they had an AWESOME deal on it for their birthday month last month & because I could afford it doing it that way. SOOO happy I did!!!!!ūüíô

I have no cons about this beauty, it works flawlessly. I have been wanting an iPad for a long time, so I am SOOOO happy I was finally able to get one. It definitely makes me want to get another iPhone though. I do want one, but I do love theG I currently have. I think I’m gonna save for a few months & then buy a Prepaid(I will NEVER go back to a contract) one…as long as it has iOS 10 or later, I don’t care. Thinking about going back to Cricket Wireless which has been the best prepaid provider I have had yet. Tracfone which is what I have now is second mainly because I don’t have a bill so I’m saving money there. Cricket has the iPhone SE at a really nice price. I know, I know, I have heard the flack about it & it is super small, but Cricket has the 64 GB for just over $200!!!! I have said many times that I would NOT get an iPhone or any Apple product with less than 32 GB because anything else I’m just gonna use up within a month. Not cool since I have pretty much done it with all the other 16 GB iPhones I have. I don’t know. We’ll see. May wait until my year is up with Tracfone to switch just to make it easier…late birthday/Christmas present to myself where this iPad was an early birthday/Christmas present to myself.

What can I say, I’m an Android and an Apple girl. Love ’em both, can’t live without having both I guess LOL. I could go on & on & on about this, but just wanted to make a short blog tonight about how awesome this iPad is. It is pure PERFECTION. I don’t even know what I did before I got it!!! Will NEVER get another tablet. And honestly, there is a huge difference between any tablet & an iPad. iPad is the Mack Daddy of them all, the one EVERYONE wishes they could have. That’s why it’s just not fair to call an iPad anything other than iPad because it really doesn’t stack up with any other tablet in my opinion. It’s just better than the rest.

Okay y’all I’m gonna end this here. If you can though, DEFINITELY go & get yourself an iPad. You will not be disappointed. I LIVE for mine. Definitely one of my prized possessions, I don’t know what I would do if it got lost or stolen. OMG I can’t even think about that!!! FUCK. Anyway, thanks so much for reading!!! Comment & let me know if you have an iPad & if you do, which one & do you love it. Also, comment if you want one & why. Or if you don’t want one & why. Or don’t comment. You do you, boo. Anywho, thanks so much again for reading, means so much to me. Talk to y’all soon, bye!!!!!

ūüíúSydney xoxoūüíú

Tendencies

When I started to realize something was wrong with me a long time ago, I did not realize the agony in which I would go through 24/7. My only escape is sleep, I thought, but even then I couldn’t escape the demons. I was constantly suicidal. I thought about it almost every minute of the day. But then the worst emotions came on…I began to have homicidal thoughts. Those are the thoughts that almost killed me. They were so strong. Eating away at me. I really thought I was going to kill someone. I almost burned my house down, to kill everyone inside & the houses of anyone who I hated…I would stand outside thinking, plotting, reeling. I¬†remember taking a hammer up to¬†my room thinking¬†that¬†the¬†next person who opened my door I was going to use it. I was rocking back and forth with it¬†in my hands. Those are just some examples.¬†Even more than I thought I was going to kill myself, I was going to hurt someone else. Luckily, the homicidal thoughts made the suicidal ones stronger after awhile…I was not going to take anyone down with me. I refused.

Do I still have those tendencies? All the time. I have been able to control them better than before though. Why? I don’t know. I know I am a coward…I know I will never actually take my own life. I don’t have the guts. Taking someone else’s life? I will never spend a day in prison, I couldn’t fucking do it, ever. Obviously, murder is the worst crime and you shouldn’t do it anyway…but when you are tortured with horrific thoughts, it destroys your rational thought process, it breaks it down and you HAVE to be strong or else it will end up destroying you completely.

As far as how I’ve almost tried to kill myself…I have almost succeeded by hanging, setting a room on fire, overdosing on pills. It’s crazy I am still here. How one of them didn’t work. I changed¬†my mind. I still¬†can’t¬†understand why unless I knew I was meant to¬†do something¬†with my life. No, maybe I was scared. Scared to death, of death. Maybe both.

My first attempt was back in 2004 when I tried to hang myself. I was going in & out of consciousness by the time I decided to get down. I was so scared. I remember the rope burn was unbearable. Soon after that was my first hospitalization. Then I knew there was something terribly wrong with me.

My second major attempt was when I stopped eating and relied solely on eating aspirins, rubbing alcohol, witch hazel, & hydrogen peroxide. My weight plummeted to under 80 pounds and I felt & looked terrible. I just wanted to die.

My third major attempt was setting a blanket on fire to kill myself. I completely blanked out…the fire almost burned me before I realized that I didn’t want to die this way. I felt so bad because the blanket wasn’t mine, but I was just so suicidal at the time.

My last major attempt was an overdose. I took Seroquel XR(which I was severely allergic to) with an entire bottle of wine. It took me over 2 weeks to recover from that suicide attempt.

Thankfully I am not that suicidal anymore. I still cry sometimes, I still feel like I wanna die, I still feel like killing people. But I am stronger than those emotions. I am very optimistic even though 99.99% of the time nothing seems like it’s ever going to change for me or my mom. But I have hope. I will remain hopeful, always. I will be strong because I feel like I was put on this planet to do something besides be another statistic.

Thanks for reading, again, it means the world to me. Until next time…

Sydney xoxo

 

 

Torment

Fallen
Sarah McLachlan
Heaven bend to take my hand and lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer to a long and painful fight
Truth be told I tried my best
But somewhere along the way, I got caught up in all there was to offer
But the cost was so much more than I could bear
Though I’ve tried,
I’ve fallen
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don’t come ’round here and
Tell me I told you so
We all begin with good intent
When love was raw and young
We believe that we can change ourselves
The past can be undone
But we carry on our back the burdens time always reveals
In the lonely light of morning
In the wound that would not heal
It’s the bitter taste of losing everything
I’ve held so dear
I’ve fallen
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don’t come ’round here and
Tell me I told you so
Oh,
Heaven bend to take my hand
I’ve nowhere left to turn
I’m lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turn their heads, embarrassed
Pretend that they don’t see
That it’s one miss step, one slip, before you know it
And there doesn’t seem a way to be redeemed
Though I’ve tried,
I’ve fallen
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don’t come ’round here and
Tell me I told you so
Oh,
I’ve messed up
Better I should know
Don’t come ’round here and
Tell me I told you so

This blog is called ”Confessions of a Mentally Ill Brain”. Why? Because I am severely mentally ill and have been for almost 14 years. For 14 years my brain has been ravaged. I have tried killing myself numerous times. I have almost succeeded…most days I regret not going through with it. I have tried hanging myself, setting a room on fire so I could die from smoke inhalation, overdosing on medication. I was very close to death all those times. And if I had a¬†dollar for every time I wanted to felt like I wanted to take my own life I would be richer than Bill Gates.

I am writing this blog in light of the two suicides of two very well-known musicians, Chris Cornell & Chester Bennington. I understand the pain they were in & I understand why they made their decisions. Depression and mental illnesses are so deadly. They kill people just like any other disease. I know everyday so many people end their lives by suicide and probably never get their story told, but if the death of celebrity’s suicide can help someone else with their struggle, then so be it. Anyone can be stricken with depression or a severe mental illness such as bipolar disorder or schizophrenia and end their lives because of how you have to live with such horrific thoughts and feelings.

I have been diagnosed with several severe mental illnesses including bipolar depression, paranoid schizophrenia, and borderline personality disorder. I also suffer from PTSD due to be sexually assaulted as a child and also from a car accident I was in. I hear voices, I hallucinate, I have thoughts that are not my own. I also suffer from homicidal thoughts and¬†while I obviously haven’t given in to¬†those thoughts either, I¬†think about often & it’s so beyond scary.¬†I also live in a place where I am unable to take care of myself the way I need to…if I told y’all the conditions of my living space, I swear you wouldn’t believe me. It’s that bad. I wish I could change things but I doubt unless a miracle happens, it never will due to not being able to get a job due to my mental issues.¬†I suffer from anxiety, specifically agoraphobia. It sucks. I have missed out on a lot of chances due to¬†my health.

Why haven’t I ended my life? I don’t know. I guess I have too much faith, too much hope, too much strength even though most days I know I absolutely¬†don’t. There is one thing keeping me going though-finding my biological father. I would give anything to know where he is. Even if he & his family want nothing to do with me, at least¬†I would know. Would I kill myself if they said to stay away? I don’t know exactly. I just know I could move on & look forward to other things. I want to have a child someday in the near future, once I am healed enough to be able to raise one. Maybe meet my online friends since they are the only ones I have-Lorry, Michael,¬†Douglas, Wayne, Darcy, Monique, Janel, Joshua,¬†Jovanka. Sorry if I missed anyone!¬†Love you all! Thanks for being¬†my friend.¬†Anyway, I do have a lot to live for I guess. I guess I haven’t exhausted my time here on Earth yet. I¬† am not crazy. Maybe a crazy cat lady, but I am actually extremely intellectual & smart. I just acquired these awful illnesses that have almost taken over my entire life…but I REFUSE to let it take over my life 100%. NO. Never. I will fight until I can longer do so. I will. Fight. Fight. Fight.

I am dealing with physical problems too which has made my mental issues a whole lot worse. I pray it’s nothing too serious. I will keep you all posted, I promise. I also promise I will write more often. This blog was just a little something I needed to get off my chest because I have such a personal connection with mental illnesses and depression and as a survivor of suicide. I send love to all of you struggling. You are not alone & you’ll never be alone. Please get help. Call your local hotline if you need to talk to someone over the weekend or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline Phone Number at 1-800-273-8255. I know a phone call isn’t like having someone there holding your hand and actually talking to you, but believe me, it does help…they will talk to you as long as they need to & if you need to go to the hospital I know the local hotlines will set that up…I have not called the National hotline, but I’m sure they can do something to get you through.¬†And if that won’t do, call a friend, do anything but end your life. You’re strong, you have to continue fighting.

And to all the lost souls that lost their battle, you were not weak, you were not a coward, you were not a crazy, insane, lunatic, & you are not going to hell. You are not all those awful things that people like to say about people who could not continue to fight their horrific demons every single second of the day. Only the people that really know how it is to live like this understand. It is hell everyday. It is terrible. But you have to fight. Fight. Never give up. Never.

I’m going to end this blog now. Hope you all enjoyed getting to know me a little better. Another blog will be up soon, thanks so much for reading, you have no idea how much it means to me. Love to you all, until next time…

Sydney xoxo

Blogging Again…

I’m blogging again. Why? I guess because I need to get stuff off my chest. This time I will not delete my site. Even if I don’t blog for six months, I won’t stop writing. I know I’m a good writer, I have been told that for well over a decade now. I know how to write, to convey emotion, to get my point across perfectly. Why did I stop? I don’t know exactly. But I NEED to now. I know it will help. My blogs this time will be random but will include some that I have written before. I will do movie reviews on movies that really spoke to me, although I won’t give anything away. I will write about my sexual assaults. I will write about politics. I will write about things that mean a lot to me or that has to do with me in some way. And of course, I will write about my mental illnesses and the horror that goes along with being severely mentally ill & having been so most of my life.

I have been thinking about writing a book. I have no idea why because I highly doubt that anyone will read it. I love books. They let my brain escape¬†even for a little bit when my brain allows me¬†to concentrate, but when it does, they help me to fade away from my pretty miserable life. I don’t want anyone reading my blogs to feel bad for me. I don’t need your pity. It is what it is.

This concludes my first blog this time. Sorry it’s so short, this is probably the only one that¬†will be anywhere close to this¬†short.¬†Thanks for reading, hopefully you continue to do so. It means a lot to me that even 1 person reads what I write. Peace & love to you.

Sydney xoxo