Never Good Enough

Hellllooooo. I have a little bit of time, so I thought I would blog. It’s been a little while since I have & I have some things to update on & some stuff I wanna talk about. First off, HOW GOOD ARE MY RAMS RIGHT NOW?!?!?!?!?!?!? LOVE IT!!! SOOOO hoping they can keep this up…I see playoffs already.😍💙🏈💛

I am done with occupational therapy, thank goodness. My wrist is feeling better, but the arthritis is killing me right now. But I can do everything with it, so that’s good.

I named this blog what I did because that’s how I have felt for so many years. I’m just not good at all-at anything or for anyone. No man has ever felt I was good enough for them, thus why I have never been in a relationship of any kind. I don’t think I ever will. I also have never had any real, good friendships either. I never have had friends that want to go to the mall or wanted to go for drinks. I will admit though that all of the men(and one woman) I’ve been with haven’t been worth anything…same with the friendships I thought I’d made. Just over it. So that’s that.

Okey dokey, so that’s it for now. Will probably do another blog when I feel like it detailing how I feel on the daily. It’s just hard because as this blog says, I am a severely mentally ill woman. So that’s that. But I will blog soon about something.

Until next time. Peace out.✌🏾

Sydney💋 xoxo

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Hope

Hellloo!!! Thanks in advance for reading. Means a lot. Another blog typed up on my beloved iPad. Watching my Tribe play, drinking a Coke, & smoking a cigarette(very bad habit, I know). Waiting on my mom to get home from working, so I thought I’d update on some things.

First, I did have the surgery on my wrist. In therapy-which I hate-to get it moving. I guess the therapy is working, I just hate going. Can’t wait until it’s done, which will be around October 11th. I’m still in a considerable amount of pain, but I’m doing okay. More annoying than anything.

If you didn’t read my #MeToo blog, you should. I don’t really like talking about the fact that I have been sexually assaulted, but with all the news bringing it up, it’s like bees stinging my brain having to think about every time I was. I know it seems insane that I have been put in the line of fire so to speak & suffered as many times as I did, but it’s true. I’ll just kinda summarize what I put in the #MeToo blog. When I was 13, I was raped in the swimming pool of a hotel in Columbus, OH. When I was 16, I was a victim of a contact sexual assault/statuatory rape with a man…less than 2 years later, he lured me out again. When I was 17, I was raped by a guy behind a dumpster & due to the rape, I ended up having a severe STI. I was begging & pleading for him to stop because it hurt so bad & just didn’t feel right. I went to the ER soon after & that’s when it hit me, he did this solely to hurt me. I was devastated & after that, I didn’t have sex for a long time. I also was raped by a guy who drugged me and forced me to have sex with him by a tree in my local park. 4 times…4 times. Insane. But true. Do you believe me?  I believe you, Dr. Ford. Once was bad enough. It should never happen to ANYONE. It destroys your soul. It destroys you forever. “Boys will be boys” is BULLSHIT. Boys will be held accountable for their fucking actions. Period.

I’m getting my hair done soon, I have THE best salon now, my hair stylists are amazing. Letting them do a relaxer on me & style my hair. I’m hoping I like it well enough to take some pictures…not that my stylists are bad, but I am just so not self confident at all. I have been told for years that I look like a man. I know it shouldn’t bother me because it’s not true, but with short hair & my weight, it isn’t helping anything. I’m hoping a fresh hairstyle will help me gain a little self confidence.

Football season is upon us!! My Rams are doing AMAZING!!!! SOOOO happy about this, hopefully they can keep it up!!!!!😍💙🏈💙😍

My Tribe is going into October…hopefully they make it deep into the Playoffs!!!! Fingers crossed!!!!!❤️⚾️💙

Okay, I think that’s all right now. I’ll update soon, I promise, need to blog at least once a week if not more, just talking about anything, Let’s see what I can come up with. Anywho, I’m out, thanks again for reading.

Sydney xoxo

 

Banged Up

Oh my fucking GOD, I seriously just realized I haven’t blogged in like 3 months. Holy shit. Sorry to all who actually keep up with my blog, it means a lot. Not a whole lot going on to be honest, but there are things I want to update on.

First off, I never got a bike. Haven’t had the money lately & due to health issues both mentally and physically, I haven’t been in the right state of mind to try and get a job. I just have no motivation to work at all. Also, due to my credit being horrid, if I got a job, my checks would be garnished anyway, so it’s really not worth it. I’m looking at doing credit repair services & if I can’t do that, I will be filing bankruptcy next year. It sucks, but I need to do something to help my credit get back up high, even though I don’t do anything with it right now.

I had to be put on insulin due to my diabetes being completely out of whack. I have gained even more weight & due to having PCOS, it is going to be hard to lose it. Ugh. I hope to be down about 30 lbs. by my birthday in November. We’ll see how it goes.

I am having surgery this Wednesday to have a large ganglion cyst removed from my right wrist. I’ve had it for awhile but it’s getting worse. It hurts so bad & my hand stays swollen because of it. So, I’m finally getting it taken care of. It sucks because it’s my bad wrist-I severely sprained it in 2003 & broke it in 2005-& I’m right handed, so I’m not going to be able to do much for at least 6 weeks, probably more. But I have to get it taken off, it’s not going away & I have trouble doing everyday things due to it. I’m pretty nervous though, but I’m sure it will be fine, my doctor is so good, he has handled both of wrist issues & did my left knee arthroscopic surgery when I banged up my knee back in 2006. I’ll update on Twitter once I get out of the hospital.

Soooo, I think that is all I need to update on right now. I will try to blog while I recover from surgery. Until then, peace out, peeps!!!! ✌🏾

Sydney xoxo

P.S. GOOOOOOO TRIBE!!!!!!!❤️⚾️💙 & since football season is FINALLY almost upon us, GOOOOOOOOO RAMS!!!!!!!💙🏈💙

Hello, It’s Me

Yes, it is me, Sydney, back with another overdue blog. I am recovering from probably the worst thing that has ever happened to me…a UTI & a yeast infection at the same time. I literally felt like I was gonna die.😵Thankfully all the stuff I did before & after I saw my doctor helped & I’m feeling much, much, much, much better. My sugar has been out of whack(I’m a Type 2 diabetic), so that’s the main reason for having both a UTI & yeast infection together. Ugh. Yuck.😓This is also the first blog on my newly fixed iPad.📱I had a bipolar episode & ended up breaking it…the screen that is, it worked fine other than that being completely fucking shattered. So, yeah, messy stuff going on with me right now.

Due to being ill & this crazy up & down weather, I have not been able to start exercising yet. My mom is still going to buy us bikes soon, so hopefully I can feel good enough to get out & ride at least an hour a day.🚲 My goals as far as my weight loss have changed…I really have to go slow with losing this weight because I am not the healthiest I’ve ever been. I can’t just push myself as hard as I want because then I could hurt myself & never lose any of this weight. My main goal as of now is to be to 170 lbs. by August 1st. That’s about 30 lbs. If I stick to a nice diet starting probably next month due to me ruining it already this month, I should be in good shape. I have found a lot of beginner exercises on Pinterest, so I’m doing them. If I can just get under 190 lbs., I would feel SOOOOOOOO much better. I FINALLY got a dentist appointment set for next month, so I’m happy but nervous about that due to my teeth being in such bad shape.

I know this is short & sweet, but I’m not feeling the best, but wanted to update. Thanks for reading!!!! Will have a newer blog up soon, so stay tuned!!!!!💋

Sydney xoxo

P.S. GOOOOOO Cavs!!!!❤️🏀💛 GOOOOOO Tribe!!!!!❤️⚾️💙

TLC

Hellloooo!!!!!!!!!! First blog post on my brand new HP laptop from HSN. I LOVE IT!!!! Getting the hang of it pretty quickly, I’m pretty tech-literate, one of the only skills I have. So, I have bought a new computer mainly to replace one I shouldn’t of even bought. I still have no desire to work. I’m thinking about going to school for something online, but have no idea what. I have decided I have no desire to work right now. My health is not 100% yet, so I need to get that straightened out before I even think about working, even the little bit I’m allowed to & be able to keep my benefits.

I have been diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome, as I said in my last blog. I have a blood clot factor, so I cannot take birth control with estrogen, but I have to take birth control from now on unless I actually meet someone & want to try to get pregnant(hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha). I’m at a high risk for getting endometrial cancer having PCOS, so I have to be careful of that. Scary, but I’m dealing with it. Acne is a huge thing I’m dealing with right now due to PCOS. The worst part is having a hard time losing weight with PCOS. I HAVE to lose at least some of this weight. I fucking have to. My goal weight right now is 160 lbs. That means right now I have to lose about 40 pounds. I know I said in my last blog that my goal weight was like 135, which would be awesome, but with the PCOS that goal is going to be extremely hard to reach even in the next year. My goal date to be at 160 is August 1st. If I can’t reach 160 by then, I at least want to be down 20 pounds. 180 lbs. would be fucking awesome right now. Going to stop eating out & just eat meals at home & going to start walking & doing some exercises. I’m hoping to get a bike soon still, my mom is going to try to buy us both one, so we’ll see if we can budget that out & then I can start biking constantly. Will document my weight loss journey on Instagram & Snapchat, so be sure to follow me there, links here somewhere, LOL.

Dealing with some family issues. But honestly, it has made me realize that my family & my real friends mean the most to me & they HAVE to. I need to make trips & meet a bunch of my family members & all my online friends. I want to contact my family members & friends…I don’t want to be annoying, but I want to be close to them. I want to do things with them. It’s not too late yet. Someday it will be. I have so many regrets anyway, I don’t need more. I’ve really been able to communicate with my mom lately & let her in. She understands more & more which I am thankful for. I can’t go back in time, I can’t change the past. I have to try to make up for lost time with the people I can do that with. I want to kill myself everyday when I have the few memories I can remember from my past that really bother me. For example, my sexual assaults & my foster care experience both with an actual foster “family” & then with relatives, which I was just extremely angry & rebellious. Also, the anniversary of my aunt dying was just a few days ago & I remember my anger & grief that came with that, which eventually led me to my 3rd psychiatric hospitalization. So, yeah, doing a lot of reflecting & connecting. Of course I’ve been thinking about my dad. The day will come when I will be comfortable enough with myself to really push the issue & that will be the day I find his family. I feel that day coming soon. I hope I won’t be too late…

I have to have a hearing test done…having serious issues with pain in my ears. I was checked & I have a lot of fluid in them but the medicine I was taking for it didn’t work, so I have to see why I’m still in so much pain. I also still need to make appointments to get my teeth taken care of & the ganglion cyst taken out. I need the fucking weather in Ohio to cooperate so I can get all taken care of. Also, I think I’m getting sick, so I can’t see any doctor. If I’m not getting sick I think I’m getting laryngitis, which honestly is better than getting sick, at least I can still do stuff. Yes, I’m still smoking. I need to quit, which I know I can do, but I do need to do it now because it helps me control my eating, especially eating out which is a huge problem for me. I will probably have to end up having surgery on both my feet and my Achilles tendons due to how bad my feet are. They are such a problem. I’m going to go as long as I can without surgery, but that’s more than likely where I’m headed unfortunately. Ugh.

No more online dating. & if I do go back, it will NOT be on POF. That site is a total piece of shit. I will try others, as long as I don’t have to pay for them because fuck having to pay to find a guy who probably only wants to have sex. This last time I met some fucked up people on there, OMG they were so creepy & weird!!!!! Glad I’m done with that. It was such a migraine. Yuck. I will go back into the dating scene when I feel up to it, when I think I look good enough to date and also when I feel like it. I’m fine being alone right now…like I said above, really need to focus on my family & friends.

Not sure if we are moving or not. Will keep ya updating on this.

Okay, I think that is all I have to update y’all on right now. Got over my 1,000 word minimum I like to hit every blog, LOL. Anywho, another new blog will be up at some point soon. Thanks so much for reading, much love to ya, bye until next time!!!!

Sydney xoxo

#RevengeBody

Helllloooo!!!! Thanks in advance for reading. Just want to update & clear up some stuff. First of all, I want to detail my “revenge body” I have been talking about on Twitter. Basically, it’s only a revenge body for me. I’m not doing it to make anyone jealous or make them wish they were still with me. I’m doing it to prove to myself that I can get back to the body I had way before I got sick. I fucking miss how I looked & felt when I was much, much younger. My goal weight is 135-that means I have to lose 65 pounds. I’m determined as fuck. I have been using Pinterest like it’s my job, looking up all sorts of shit I can do to lose this weight & tone up so I’m not super flabby once I lose the massive amount of weight I’m going to lose. I am getting a bike soon, so that will be my main exercise.🚴🏾‍♀️ I’m SUPER excited to get this started. Going to start once the weather stays consistent because due to my seasonal affective disorder, I get extremely lathargic when it’s any bit cold, so I need it to be be Spring now so I can get this going!!!! Hoping to be to my goal weight or extremely close by August 1st & exceed that to at about 125 lbs. by Labor Day.💪🏾👊🏾

I did get a diagnosis the other day. I think I said in an earlier blog that no matter what, I just want a diagnosis. I’ll do what I need to do & deal with it, but I just want to know. I saw my gynecologist & have been diagnosed with polycystic ovary syndrome, which explains a lot. Hoping to get it taken care of, which my gynecologist is working on it & I know she’ll do everything possible even though there is no cure. I also have to see a urologist to deal with my bladder issues. I think I know what’s going on, but I’m not a doctor, so I can’t just assume, I need an actual doctor to diagnosis me. I’ll let you know when I get in & what he or she says.

My diabetes is doing good, which is good, & means I can get my teeth taken care of. Making an appointment with a new dentist this coming week. I had to find a dentist who will be able to put me to sleep because Novocain doesn’t work for me & I’m going to probably have to have a few if not several teeth taken out due to them being decayed. I think I said why they are decayed before, but if not, it’s because of my diabetes, GERD, my autoimmune issues, & the fact that I smoke. I’m probably done smoking for good now. I quit all the time, but now they are just making me feel bad. I’ll finish the ones I have & be done. It’s an annoying habit. I’d rather suck my thumb until I’m 100 years old than smoke. My GERD is still an issue. I’m probably going to have to have more procedures to get that under control. My autoimmune issues are still a problem, too. I see my neurologist this Tuesday, so hoping I can get some answers from previous tests & also see what else I can do because dysautomia SUCKS. Hoping soon I know what is actually causing the dysautomia-that still hasn’t been determined & it needs to be so it can be treated along with the dysautomia.

More in the doctor category continues: I have a ganglion cyst on my bad wrist. I severely sprained my right wrist in 2003 & then in 2005, I broke that same wrist. To top it all off, I am, of course, right handed. So now I have arthritis in it & the ganglion cyst has made the pain unbearable. My hand is staying swollen as well. It’s awful.😩 So I need to have surgery to remove the cyst ASAP. Making an appointment with my orthopedist this week. My yearly eye exam date is set, so I will have new glasses in August.👓 I’m also making an appointment this week with my podiatrist to see what else can be done about my plantar fasciitis. I’m SOOOOO hoping that me losing a lot of this weight will help this issue, because my feet hurt SOOOOO fucking bad 24/7. I wanna cry all the time because the pain is so severe. So, here’s hoping getting some of this weight off will help.

So, my mom is thinking about taking some of her tax refund & moving. I want to, as long as I can take my cats. I think it’s fucking bullshit that most places refuse to let you own pets. You can’t be an animal lover & then discriminate against them in the properties you own. So, if my cats can’t go, I’m not going. So, yeah, it’s probably going to be impossible to find a place. But we’ll see how it goes. We need to move, but right now I’m just focused on getting healthy. I’ll deal with getting the money to move when it comes time for that, which won’t be anytime soon. We kind of have to move in case the bank takes our house since my mom filed in her bankruptcy almost 2 years ago.

I have decided I have no desire to go to school for anything or work. I hate to say I just want to live off the government, but right now, I just really want to. I don’t have the drive or work ethic to do it. I honestly don’t care how that sounds. That’s how I want it to be & that’s how it is for now. I have enough money to do it, so that’s how it’s going to be for as long as I can do it.

I did go back to Plenty Of Fish. Ugh. I know, I know, but I REALLY want to meet someone worth my goddamn time. I doubt I will, but you never know. I’m not desperate & I’m not just in it for sex. I really am looking. I kinda wanna wait until I’ve had stuff done with my health, but, I’m impatient as hell. I’ll update if I meet anyone worth my time. Judge me all you want in the mean time.

Okay, I THINK that’s it. For now. Will update again soon. Thanks so much for reading!!! Comment any questions or just regular comments about anything in this blog if you want, I’ll probably get back to you. Until next time…

Sydney xoxo

Changes Change

Helllloooo. Thanks in advance for reading! I just wanted to pop on & update a few things. First thing, I have FINALLY found a school I want to go to! Yeah, yeah, I know. I was seriously considering radio & TV broadcasting school. I even went there & got accepted. But honestly, it gave me SOOOOOO much anxiety! Despite the fact that I am indeed mentally ill, I have never been attention-seeking. Every time I attempted suicide, I did it because I seriously wanted to die, not for any attention. I just don’t think being on air is for me. Even radio would be too much. My anxiety is getting worse. My mental illnesses are changing for some reason. I’m honestly scared. But I’m trying to stay as positive as possible.

I have decided to go to school to become a Certified/Registered Medical Assistant at a school that is closer than the one in Cleveland. I think I could definitely thrive doing this & honestly, it would be a more secure career. I’ve actually been wanting to be in the medical field for a long time. It wouldn’t be too nerve-wracking. I think I’d be good at it. Plus, I would get to wear scrubs everyday, LOL. But no, seriously, this is something I want to do, I’ve been looking into this for a little while.

So, now that it is after midnight on Wednesday, I will be making those appointments I was talking about in one of my last blogs today. No one has talked me into doing this, I actually just had to come up with the order of who I need to make an appointment with first. Before I do anything, I need to contact my endocrinologist to see how my sugar is doing. Due to my seasonal affective disorder & my mental illnesses changing so rapidly, I have been eating a lot more. I need a new sugar checking machine as well. So that’s the first doctor I need to call. Then all the others will follow. Due to the fact that my diabetes have to be in check before I can have any teeth fixed, the dentist is going to be last. Hoping to have every appointment scheduled by April 1st & everything settled by July 1st.

The dating site I was on, Plenty of Fish(POF) is such a fucking joke. If you are looking for ANYTHING meaningful, skip that site. All it has on it are jerks who only want naked pictures & to sext 24/7. It’s disgusting. I deleted my profile completely a few minutes ago. I’m SOOO beyond done with that shit. Yuck.

What are friends? What are GOOD friends? I wish I knew. I’ve never had both. I’m not saying this out of spite, just being honest. When you have “friends” that don’t care if you die. Plus, nobody cares about your problems. They have their own. Counselors & psychiatrists care, but I would too if I got paid $20/hour to listen to people bitch for 8 hours a day. I guess that’s why I blog…I just get to get whatever is on my chest out.

I’ll update again soon…thanks for reading.

Sydney xoxo

 

Get To Know Me Part II

Hello again to whoever is reading this. So, because the last blog I wrote was such a horrible & negative subject, I’d thought I’d do a blog that was a little more positive. So, here’s another “Get To Know Me” blog. Let’s jump in & see how many factoids about me I can come up tonight…

1) My first pet I had was a dog named Duchess…I still remember her & she’s been gone since I was about 2 years old.🐶

2) I now have autographs from 5 different people-all of whom are women: Amy Dumas, Jovanka Vuckovic, Michelle Rodriguez, Robin Meade, & Joy Mangano.

3) I LIVE to shop, but only for myself. I know that sounds selfish, but hey, you want me to be honest, & that’s the honest truth.

4) Some of my favorite emojis are:😘💋😍🎉📱😻♐️♥️🏳️‍🌈🦄🦋🏀🛍🎈🌺🧡🌟🍔🍷🍕⚾️✌🏾

5) Some of my favorite animals are:🐱🐠🐍🐘🐎🐆🐊🦈🦒🕊

6) My favorite weather would have to be about 80-85 degrees & storming for hours. #Pluviophile 😍🔥🌬⛈

7) I am part Native American.

8) I am left eye dominant.👁

9) My favorite subject in school was English-I was one of the best in my class in that subject.

10) I was a thumbsucker for YEARS & still occasionally will do it if I’m SUPER stressed or extremely suicidal.👍🏾

11) My favorite curse word is “fuck”.

12) I have hot flashes due to an implanted birth control I had in several years ago.

13) While I’m not religious per se, I do believe there is another side we go to after we die.

14) I shop at HSN like it’s my job.💙

15) As much as I hate being so beyond lonely, I don’t think it’s really a bad thing…

16) My foster care experience was absolutely horrific. Glad it only lasted about 3 weeks or I seriously would of killed myself.

17) I’ve always had an interest in radio before all the people told me I would be good at. Mainly because I lack self confidence & with radio, obviously, no one would ever get to see my face.📻

18) I graduated high school on June 6, 2010.

19)  I have a seriously hard time sleeping before 2 a.m.

20) I have a VERY, VERY, VERY large family where the majority of them are blood relations.

21) I prefer the Summer Olympics over the Winter Olympics.

22) I can’t sleep with less than 2 pillows, no matter where I am.

23) My current favorite shows I watch right now are Happy!, How To Get Away With Murder, Murder Made Me Famous, Fuller House, & Ash Vs. Evil Dead.

24) Summer is my second favorite season.🌞🔥🌺🌸🌼🌻

25) I suffer from amaxophobia.🚘

Alright, this blog is done. No clue why these take me awhile. Another one of these won’t happen for awhile. Any questions? Contact me & I’ll answer anything you wanna know. Until next time, thanks for reading. As always, I appreciate it.

Sydney xoxo

 

 

#MeToo

Just got cleaned up, so I’m feeling calm & refreshed.  So I thought I’d do a blog I have been promising I would do. A blog no one wants to do. But due to the recent atrocities that have surfaced in Hollywood & the hashtag, all the memories of my sexual assaults which I think about every single day have gotten stronger unfortunately, which has made me extremely depressed. I understand why people who suffer from any kind of sexual abuse kill themselves. I wanted to as soon as the first one happened. Sexual abuse destroys your soul entirely. I will never get over it. Well, let’s dive into what happened to me…

The first sexual assault happened to me when I was 13. It was about a year after I tried to hang myself & I was diagnosed as being mentally ill. At the time I was sexually abused, I was living with family members due to having been put in foster care & that not working out…foster care is HORRIBLE. It is a true nightmare. I swore I didn’t know if anything could make me feel worse. But then August 2005 happened(it was either the 22th, 23rd,or 24th). I was in Columbus, OH with my mom & aunt to see The Phantom of the Opera in theatre. We stayed in a hotel. The day after the performance, in the morning before checkout time, I went down to the pool. As always, I went straight to the hot tub. There was an older black man in there, but I thought nothing of it. We chatted for a few minutes & just sat and relaxed. Then I noticed him coming towards me. I didn’t know what he was doing. He grabbed me & started touching me. I wanted to scream, but I was completely frozen. I knew there was a maintenance worked in the maintenance room on the other side of the pool room, so I was praying he would come out & see what was going on. He didn’t. I was wearing a one-piece bathing suit. The man put his fingers up pretty far inside my vagina & anus. He was rubbing my vagina. I was so scared. I was not in the best position to scream; he could of easily hurt me. I was trying to move, but he had me pinned down with his other hand. The breaking point for me was when he pulled down the top of my bathing suit & started sucking my breasts. I was able to pull away & go to the pool, but he followed me & acted like nothing happened. I tried to be as nice as possible because I was afraid of what he would do next. He invited me back to his room as I started to leave. Obviously I didn’t go. I went back to my hotel room & immediately took a shower. It didn’t help-I still felt completely dirty. I wore a skirt that day & I just felt like it was going to happen to me again. I felt awful. I wanted to tell my mom & aunt, but I was too afraid. I kept it a secret for about 2 years before I was able to tell anyone. I prayed that would be the last time I would experience this. I was so wrong.

The second time I was raped was in December 2007. I had just turned 16. I met the guy online in Yahoo! Chat when I was still a minor. He persuaded me to have sex with as soon as I turned 16. He told me he was older & that it would be fine if I was 16. But what always bothered me is that he wouldn’t tell me his last name no matter how many times I asked. I met him & as soon as I saw him in person, I was totally creeped out. Still trusting for some odd reason, I went with him. I felt like I felt with the man at the hotel every time he touched me. I refused to have sex with him, but at last I relented because he really wanted to & I just wanted to get it over with so I could go home. So he forced me to get on top of him & move so he could cum. It hurt of course, but I just felt so dirty. Even more shocking: I met with him again. Why? I have no idea. Do people actually trust their rapists??? It sounds crazy. It is crazy. The second time was no different. I can’t explain why I did it. There is no explanation. Trust can make you do insane things. Both of those times I consider the textbook definiton of contact sexual assault.

The third time I was raped was a drug-facilitated sexual assault in early 2009. I had no clue the guy who raped me was bringing weed, especially as strong as it was. I had no control. I took only a few hits but I was dizzy, disoriented, my vision was blurry.  I only have memories of the sexual assault itself…I can’t remember anything I did after, how I got home, what I did when I got there, nothing. I just remember laying down in the grass in the park in my hometown completely out in the open, which is why I think I remember it, & him kinda forcing me to pull my pants down & sit on top of him. I think I’ve always known this was probably rape, but I didn’t want to believe it. Not again. Not again. Not again.

The final time I was raped was honestly probably the worst. I met this guy online, as I have with 3 out of the 4. It was 2009. He was telling me things I wanted to here. I liked him & he wanted to date me. He didn’t live too far from me. I went to meet him one day & was kinda aware we were going to have sex. We tried different places to have sex but then he decided it was going to be behind a dumpster in an alley. Before this, he gave me my only hickey, it was gigantic. But he just sat on the ground & grabbed me, pulled down my pants & had me sit on top of him. As soon as he started to fuck me, I knew there was a problem. It hurt SOOOOO bad. I started to tell him it hurt & I tried to push myself up but he was holding me down so tight. I started to kinda cry due to the pain. I just kept hitting on him & telling him to stop & that it hurts. The whole thing lasted about 3 minutes is all. He came A LOT. So much so that my pants were soaked. My mom dropped me off to meet him & had left to go to the store, so I sat in the restaurant next to where the rape took place & just relived it & praying it wasn’t true. Within 48 hours, I was in the emergency room. I had one of the most severe STI/STDs there is, I literally felt like I was going to die, I was in such horrific pain. I knew then that I had been raped solely to be given a serious STI/STD. I really couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t.

So, there are my stories of the occasions I was unfortunately raped. I wish I could say these aren’t true. And I also wish I could say all these men were punished for these incidents. I was just scared & honestly, I felt like no one would listen to me. A mentally ill woman telling the police I had been sexually assaulted. I was just hoping it was nightmare. I also blamed myself because I knew I had put myself in all these situations, so I have to take a lot of the blame. I know the first one I could of prosecuted because I’m sure there were probably cameras. I was just young & pretty mentally ill. And stupid. The next one was just me being extremely naive. The drug-facilitated one was just that, I was drugged. The last one, I was naive & stupid as fuck, I wanted a guy to like me, but I didn’t expect to be a victim of rape again. 4 different men. 4 horrific situations. I guess I’m just glad I made it out alive.

If you are a victim of any kind of sexual abuse, remember that you are not alone. I have also been sexually harassed, but honestly, I wish this whole blog would of been about 4 instances of that then me being sexually assaulted multiple times. Not saying that sexual harassment isn’t horrible, it is, but once you’ve been sexually assaulted, it kind of changes your perception. To me, sexual abuse is worse than being harassed. But both are horrible & should NEVER happen. EVER.

Sydney xoxo

Carnival

Why I feel the need to blog at almost 2 a.m. is beyond me. The title of this blog comes from one of my all-time favorite songs by Natalie Merchant. I’m listening to it on YouTube over & over again. It’s the song of my life for sure. If you’ve never heard it, go to YouTube right now & listen to it. It is so beautiful & haunting. It was also one of Aileen Wournos’ favorite songs…she requested it be played at her memorial service. As soon as I listened to the song after learning that information, it was honestly like the song was written for her. As horrible as the crimes she committed were, my heart will always break for her. We have A LOT in common. I haven’t killed 7 people & am not a hooker, but anyway, you get what I mean. I feel a connection to her for some odd reason. Maybe because we both have the same diagnosis-Borderline Personality Disorder. It is a severe mental illness, one that can be absolutely devastating even with treatment. I could easily see me doing the exact same thing Aileen did at the end. It’s not impossible. I could just snap one day. Totally plausible.

I have also decided to get my health back to normal before I begin to date. Honestly, I don’t even think I want to date. Maybe sex, but then again, I may not even want that. I just don’t want to do anything but go to radio & TV school, shop until I have everything I want & need, exercise, get my health issues figured out, find my dad & his family, & fix up the house I currently live in instead of trying to save up to move into a new place. Hoping to have the house as livable as possible by the end of June. Starting that huge project once Winter is over & this crazy-ass weather makes up its damn mind. I have to lose all this weight I have put on due to being sick…which I think a lot of it was mental instead of anything else. I also need to completely stop smoking. Hoping to be down to at least 140 by July 31st. I’ve already lost 10 pounds, I’m at 190, so I’m close. Only 50 more pounds to go. Thinking about getting a gym membership soon & doing there when I can. At least 2 days a week. I LIVE for Pinterest, so I have found a lot of tips & tricks to use. Cutting out my beloved Coca Cola mostly, which is gonna hurt, but it has to happen. I’m not going to try to go back to work. I need to keep all of my monthly check to use for bills & buying things I need & really want. I need to focus on getting the house in as tip-top shape as possible, finding my dad & his family, & getting my health back on track. Hoping by New Year’s Eve my life has changed for the better. I need to take care of #1 & truly love myself before I try to love another person…which I highly doubt will ever even happen, but strange things happen in the real world all the time.

As far as my health, I’m seeing every kind of doctor I need to see. I gotta stop blowing them off or sugar-coating what I tell them. I want answers. I’m tired of feeling the way I do. Like I said in my last blog, I will be making appointments starting tomorrow(Monday). Seeing about getting in to see a dentist to see what can be done to fix my decaying mouth. Calling to make an appointment with a gynecologist to see if I can find out where this vaginal pain is coming from. Calling my orthopedist to schedule surgery to remove a ganglion cyst from my bad wrist. Calling to reschedule an appointment with my gastroenterologist to see if my gastric bezoar is gone(which I doubt because I loathe Diet Coke & also my symptoms have increased). Scheduling with my podiatrist to get help with the increased pain in my feet. Also rescheduling with my endocrinologist to see how my diabetes are doing. Haven’t really been checking my sugar levels(I know, I know, I know). And also scheduling with my neurologist to see if he can, at last, give me a diagnosis. Woo. Going to be busy this week calling & calling & calling. But I need answers. I need to have diagnoses. I don’t care. I want to know what is going on in my body that is keeping me feeling like shit 24/7.

I also have figured out what to send to my friends as late Christmas presents. I’m not mad about it, just wanna get them bought & shipped so I can forget about them. So those will be all out in the mail by Valentine’s Day. Thank fucking God.

Alright, after almost 2 hours of writing, I am done with this completely random blog. Just felt like writing for some reason. I just wanted to clarify some things & expand on some things. My #MeToo blog & another Get To Know Me Blog will be up by the time I go to bed Sunday night/Monday night. Until then, thanks to all who are reading this blog & all of my blogs.

Sydney xoxo