#RevengeBody

Helllloooo!!!! Thanks in advance for reading. Just want to update & clear up some stuff. First of all, I want to detail my “revenge body” I have been talking about on Twitter. Basically, it’s only a revenge body for me. I’m not doing it to make anyone jealous or make them wish they were still with me. I’m doing it to prove to myself that I can get back to the body I had way before I got sick. I fucking miss how I looked & felt when I was much, much younger. My goal weight is 135-that means I have to lose 65 pounds. I’m determined as fuck. I have been using Pinterest like it’s my job, looking up all sorts of shit I can do to lose this weight & tone up so I’m not super flabby once I lose the massive amount of weight I’m going to lose. I am getting a bike soon, so that will be my main exercise.🚴🏾‍♀️ I’m SUPER excited to get this started. Going to start once the weather stays consistent because due to my seasonal affective disorder, I get extremely lathargic when it’s any bit cold, so I need it to be be Spring now so I can get this going!!!! Hoping to be to my goal weight or extremely close by August 1st & exceed that to at about 125 lbs. by Labor Day.💪🏾👊🏾

I did get a diagnosis the other day. I think I said in an earlier blog that no matter what, I just want a diagnosis. I’ll do what I need to do & deal with it, but I just want to know. I saw my gynecologist & have been diagnosed with polycystic ovary syndrome, which explains a lot. Hoping to get it taken care of, which my gynecologist is working on it & I know she’ll do everything possible even though there is no cure. I also have to see a urologist to deal with my bladder issues. I think I know what’s going on, but I’m not a doctor, so I can’t just assume, I need an actual doctor to diagnosis me. I’ll let you know when I get in & what he or she says.

My diabetes is doing good, which is good, & means I can get my teeth taken care of. Making an appointment with a new dentist this coming week. I had to find a dentist who will be able to put me to sleep because Novocain doesn’t work for me & I’m going to probably have to have a few if not several teeth taken out due to them being decayed. I think I said why they are decayed before, but if not, it’s because of my diabetes, GERD, my autoimmune issues, & the fact that I smoke. I’m probably done smoking for good now. I quit all the time, but now they are just making me feel bad. I’ll finish the ones I have & be done. It’s an annoying habit. I’d rather suck my thumb until I’m 100 years old than smoke. My GERD is still an issue. I’m probably going to have to have more procedures to get that under control. My autoimmune issues are still a problem, too. I see my neurologist this Tuesday, so hoping I can get some answers from previous tests & also see what else I can do because dysautomia SUCKS. Hoping soon I know what is actually causing the dysautomia-that still hasn’t been determined & it needs to be so it can be treated along with the dysautomia.

More in the doctor category continues: I have a ganglion cyst on my bad wrist. I severely sprained my right wrist in 2003 & then in 2005, I broke that same wrist. To top it all off, I am, of course, right handed. So now I have arthritis in it & the ganglion cyst has made the pain unbearable. My hand is staying swollen as well. It’s awful.😩 So I need to have surgery to remove the cyst ASAP. Making an appointment with my orthopedist this week. My yearly eye exam date is set, so I will have new glasses in August.👓 I’m also making an appointment this week with my podiatrist to see what else can be done about my plantar fasciitis. I’m SOOOOO hoping that me losing a lot of this weight will help this issue, because my feet hurt SOOOOO fucking bad 24/7. I wanna cry all the time because the pain is so severe. So, here’s hoping getting some of this weight off will help.

So, my mom is thinking about taking some of her tax refund & moving. I want to, as long as I can take my cats. I think it’s fucking bullshit that most places refuse to let you own pets. You can’t be an animal lover & then discriminate against them in the properties you own. So, if my cats can’t go, I’m not going. So, yeah, it’s probably going to be impossible to find a place. But we’ll see how it goes. We need to move, but right now I’m just focused on getting healthy. I’ll deal with getting the money to move when it comes time for that, which won’t be anytime soon. We kind of have to move in case the bank takes our house since my mom filed in her bankruptcy almost 2 years ago.

I have decided I have no desire to go to school for anything or work. I hate to say I just want to live off the government, but right now, I just really want to. I don’t have the drive or work ethic to do it. I honestly don’t care how that sounds. That’s how I want it to be & that’s how it is for now. I have enough money to do it, so that’s how it’s going to be for as long as I can do it.

I did go back to Plenty Of Fish. Ugh. I know, I know, but I REALLY want to meet someone worth my goddamn time. I doubt I will, but you never know. I’m not desperate & I’m not just in it for sex. I really am looking. I kinda wanna wait until I’ve had stuff done with my health, but, I’m impatient as hell. I’ll update if I meet anyone worth my time. Judge me all you want in the mean time.

Okay, I THINK that’s it. For now. Will update again soon. Thanks so much for reading!!! Comment any questions or just regular comments about anything in this blog if you want, I’ll probably get back to you. Until next time…

Sydney xoxo

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Changes Change

Helllloooo. Thanks in advance for reading! I just wanted to pop on & update a few things. First thing, I have FINALLY found a school I want to go to! Yeah, yeah, I know. I was seriously considering radio & TV broadcasting school. I even went there & got accepted. But honestly, it gave me SOOOOOO much anxiety! Despite the fact that I am indeed mentally ill, I have never been attention-seeking. Every time I attempted suicide, I did it because I seriously wanted to die, not for any attention. I just don’t think being on air is for me. Even radio would be too much. My anxiety is getting worse. My mental illnesses are changing for some reason. I’m honestly scared. But I’m trying to stay as positive as possible.

I have decided to go to school to become a Certified/Registered Medical Assistant at a school that is closer than the one in Cleveland. I think I could definitely thrive doing this & honestly, it would be a more secure career. I’ve actually been wanting to be in the medical field for a long time. It wouldn’t be too nerve-wracking. I think I’d be good at it. Plus, I would get to wear scrubs everyday, LOL. But no, seriously, this is something I want to do, I’ve been looking into this for a little while.

So, now that it is after midnight on Wednesday, I will be making those appointments I was talking about in one of my last blogs today. No one has talked me into doing this, I actually just had to come up with the order of who I need to make an appointment with first. Before I do anything, I need to contact my endocrinologist to see how my sugar is doing. Due to my seasonal affective disorder & my mental illnesses changing so rapidly, I have been eating a lot more. I need a new sugar checking machine as well. So that’s the first doctor I need to call. Then all the others will follow. Due to the fact that my diabetes have to be in check before I can have any teeth fixed, the dentist is going to be last. Hoping to have every appointment scheduled by April 1st & everything settled by July 1st.

The dating site I was on, Plenty of Fish(POF) is such a fucking joke. If you are looking for ANYTHING meaningful, skip that site. All it has on it are jerks who only want naked pictures & to sext 24/7. It’s disgusting. I deleted my profile completely a few minutes ago. I’m SOOO beyond done with that shit. Yuck.

What are friends? What are GOOD friends? I wish I knew. I’ve never had both. I’m not saying this out of spite, just being honest. When you have “friends” that don’t care if you die. Plus, nobody cares about your problems. They have their own. Counselors & psychiatrists care, but I would too if I got paid $20/hour to listen to people bitch for 8 hours a day. I guess that’s why I blog…I just get to get whatever is on my chest out.

I’ll update again soon…thanks for reading.

Sydney xoxo

 

Get To Know Me Part II

Hello again to whoever is reading this. So, because the last blog I wrote was such a horrible & negative subject, I’d thought I’d do a blog that was a little more positive. So, here’s another “Get To Know Me” blog. Let’s jump in & see how many factoids about me I can come up tonight…

1) My first pet I had was a dog named Duchess…I still remember her & she’s been gone since I was about 2 years old.🐶

2) I now have autographs from 5 different people-all of whom are women: Amy Dumas, Jovanka Vuckovic, Michelle Rodriguez, Robin Meade, & Joy Mangano.

3) I LIVE to shop, but only for myself. I know that sounds selfish, but hey, you want me to be honest, & that’s the honest truth.

4) Some of my favorite emojis are:😘💋😍🎉📱😻♐️♥️🏳️‍🌈🦄🦋🏀🛍🎈🌺🧡🌟🍔🍷🍕⚾️✌🏾

5) Some of my favorite animals are:🐱🐠🐍🐘🐎🐆🐊🦈🦒🕊

6) My favorite weather would have to be about 80-85 degrees & storming for hours. #Pluviophile 😍🔥🌬⛈

7) I am part Native American.

8) I am left eye dominant.👁

9) My favorite subject in school was English-I was one of the best in my class in that subject.

10) I was a thumbsucker for YEARS & still occasionally will do it if I’m SUPER stressed or extremely suicidal.👍🏾

11) My favorite curse word is “fuck”.

12) I have hot flashes due to an implanted birth control I had in several years ago.

13) While I’m not religious per se, I do believe there is another side we go to after we die.

14) I shop at HSN like it’s my job.💙

15) As much as I hate being so beyond lonely, I don’t think it’s really a bad thing…

16) My foster care experience was absolutely horrific. Glad it only lasted about 3 weeks or I seriously would of killed myself.

17) I’ve always had an interest in radio before all the people told me I would be good at. Mainly because I lack self confidence & with radio, obviously, no one would ever get to see my face.📻

18) I graduated high school on June 6, 2010.

19)  I have a seriously hard time sleeping before 2 a.m.

20) I have a VERY, VERY, VERY large family where the majority of them are blood relations.

21) I prefer the Summer Olympics over the Winter Olympics.

22) I can’t sleep with less than 2 pillows, no matter where I am.

23) My current favorite shows I watch right now are Happy!, How To Get Away With Murder, Murder Made Me Famous, Fuller House, & Ash Vs. Evil Dead.

24) Summer is my second favorite season.🌞🔥🌺🌸🌼🌻

25) I suffer from amaxophobia.🚘

Alright, this blog is done. No clue why these take me awhile. Another one of these won’t happen for awhile. Any questions? Contact me & I’ll answer anything you wanna know. Until next time, thanks for reading. As always, I appreciate it.

Sydney xoxo

 

 

#MeToo

Just got cleaned up, so I’m feeling calm & refreshed.  So I thought I’d do a blog I have been promising I would do. A blog no one wants to do. But due to the recent atrocities that have surfaced in Hollywood & the hashtag, all the memories of my sexual assaults which I think about every single day have gotten stronger unfortunately, which has made me extremely depressed. I understand why people who suffer from any kind of sexual abuse kill themselves. I wanted to as soon as the first one happened. Sexual abuse destroys your soul entirely. I will never get over it. Well, let’s dive into what happened to me…

The first sexual assault happened to me when I was 13. It was about a year after I tried to hang myself & I was diagnosed as being mentally ill. At the time I was sexually abused, I was living with family members due to having been put in foster care & that not working out…foster care is HORRIBLE. It is a true nightmare. I swore I didn’t know if anything could make me feel worse. But then August 2005 happened(it was either the 22th, 23rd,or 24th). I was in Columbus, OH with my mom & aunt to see The Phantom of the Opera in theatre. We stayed in a hotel. The day after the performance, in the morning before checkout time, I went down to the pool. As always, I went straight to the hot tub. There was an older black man in there, but I thought nothing of it. We chatted for a few minutes & just sat and relaxed. Then I noticed him coming towards me. I didn’t know what he was doing. He grabbed me & started touching me. I wanted to scream, but I was completely frozen. I knew there was a maintenance worked in the maintenance room on the other side of the pool room, so I was praying he would come out & see what was going on. He didn’t. I was wearing a one-piece bathing suit. The man put his fingers up pretty far inside my vagina & anus. He was rubbing my vagina. I was so scared. I was not in the best position to scream; he could of easily hurt me. I was trying to move, but he had me pinned down with his other hand. The breaking point for me was when he pulled down the top of my bathing suit & started sucking my breasts. I was able to pull away & go to the pool, but he followed me & acted like nothing happened. I tried to be as nice as possible because I was afraid of what he would do next. He invited me back to his room as I started to leave. Obviously I didn’t go. I went back to my hotel room & immediately took a shower. It didn’t help-I still felt completely dirty. I wore a skirt that day & I just felt like it was going to happen to me again. I felt awful. I wanted to tell my mom & aunt, but I was too afraid. I kept it a secret for about 2 years before I was able to tell anyone. I prayed that would be the last time I would experience this. I was so wrong.

The second time I was raped was in December 2007. I had just turned 16. I met the guy online in Yahoo! Chat when I was still a minor. He persuaded me to have sex with as soon as I turned 16. He told me he was older & that it would be fine if I was 16. But what always bothered me is that he wouldn’t tell me his last name no matter how many times I asked. I met him & as soon as I saw him in person, I was totally creeped out. Still trusting for some odd reason, I went with him. I felt like I felt with the man at the hotel every time he touched me. I refused to have sex with him, but at last I relented because he really wanted to & I just wanted to get it over with so I could go home. So he forced me to get on top of him & move so he could cum. It hurt of course, but I just felt so dirty. Even more shocking: I met with him again. Why? I have no idea. Do people actually trust their rapists??? It sounds crazy. It is crazy. The second time was no different. I can’t explain why I did it. There is no explanation. Trust can make you do insane things. Both of those times I consider the textbook definiton of contact sexual assault.

The third time I was raped was a drug-facilitated sexual assault in early 2009. I had no clue the guy who raped me was bringing weed, especially as strong as it was. I had no control. I took only a few hits but I was dizzy, disoriented, my vision was blurry.  I only have memories of the sexual assault itself…I can’t remember anything I did after, how I got home, what I did when I got there, nothing. I just remember laying down in the grass in the park in my hometown completely out in the open, which is why I think I remember it, & him kinda forcing me to pull my pants down & sit on top of him. I think I’ve always known this was probably rape, but I didn’t want to believe it. Not again. Not again. Not again.

The final time I was raped was honestly probably the worst. I met this guy online, as I have with 3 out of the 4. It was 2009. He was telling me things I wanted to here. I liked him & he wanted to date me. He didn’t live too far from me. I went to meet him one day & was kinda aware we were going to have sex. We tried different places to have sex but then he decided it was going to be behind a dumpster in an alley. Before this, he gave me my only hickey, it was gigantic. But he just sat on the ground & grabbed me, pulled down my pants & had me sit on top of him. As soon as he started to fuck me, I knew there was a problem. It hurt SOOOOO bad. I started to tell him it hurt & I tried to push myself up but he was holding me down so tight. I started to kinda cry due to the pain. I just kept hitting on him & telling him to stop & that it hurts. The whole thing lasted about 3 minutes is all. He came A LOT. So much so that my pants were soaked. My mom dropped me off to meet him & had left to go to the store, so I sat in the restaurant next to where the rape took place & just relived it & praying it wasn’t true. Within 48 hours, I was in the emergency room. I had one of the most severe STI/STDs there is, I literally felt like I was going to die, I was in such horrific pain. I knew then that I had been raped solely to be given a serious STI/STD. I really couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t.

So, there are my stories of the occasions I was unfortunately raped. I wish I could say these aren’t true. And I also wish I could say all these men were punished for these incidents. I was just scared & honestly, I felt like no one would listen to me. A mentally ill woman telling the police I had been sexually assaulted. I was just hoping it was nightmare. I also blamed myself because I knew I had put myself in all these situations, so I have to take a lot of the blame. I know the first one I could of prosecuted because I’m sure there were probably cameras. I was just young & pretty mentally ill. And stupid. The next one was just me being extremely naive. The drug-facilitated one was just that, I was drugged. The last one, I was naive & stupid as fuck, I wanted a guy to like me, but I didn’t expect to be a victim of rape again. 4 different men. 4 horrific situations. I guess I’m just glad I made it out alive.

If you are a victim of any kind of sexual abuse, remember that you are not alone. I have also been sexually harassed, but honestly, I wish this whole blog would of been about 4 instances of that then me being sexually assaulted multiple times. Not saying that sexual harassment isn’t horrible, it is, but once you’ve been sexually assaulted, it kind of changes your perception. To me, sexual abuse is worse than being harassed. But both are horrible & should NEVER happen. EVER.

Sydney xoxo

Carnival

Why I feel the need to blog at almost 2 a.m. is beyond me. The title of this blog comes from one of my all-time favorite songs by Natalie Merchant. I’m listening to it on YouTube over & over again. It’s the song of my life for sure. If you’ve never heard it, go to YouTube right now & listen to it. It is so beautiful & haunting. It was also one of Aileen Wournos’ favorite songs…she requested it be played at her memorial service. As soon as I listened to the song after learning that information, it was honestly like the song was written for her. As horrible as the crimes she committed were, my heart will always break for her. We have A LOT in common. I haven’t killed 7 people & am not a hooker, but anyway, you get what I mean. I feel a connection to her for some odd reason. Maybe because we both have the same diagnosis-Borderline Personality Disorder. It is a severe mental illness, one that can be absolutely devastating even with treatment. I could easily see me doing the exact same thing Aileen did at the end. It’s not impossible. I could just snap one day. Totally plausible.

I have also decided to get my health back to normal before I begin to date. Honestly, I don’t even think I want to date. Maybe sex, but then again, I may not even want that. I just don’t want to do anything but go to radio & TV school, shop until I have everything I want & need, exercise, get my health issues figured out, find my dad & his family, & fix up the house I currently live in instead of trying to save up to move into a new place. Hoping to have the house as livable as possible by the end of June. Starting that huge project once Winter is over & this crazy-ass weather makes up its damn mind. I have to lose all this weight I have put on due to being sick…which I think a lot of it was mental instead of anything else. I also need to completely stop smoking. Hoping to be down to at least 140 by July 31st. I’ve already lost 10 pounds, I’m at 190, so I’m close. Only 50 more pounds to go. Thinking about getting a gym membership soon & doing there when I can. At least 2 days a week. I LIVE for Pinterest, so I have found a lot of tips & tricks to use. Cutting out my beloved Coca Cola mostly, which is gonna hurt, but it has to happen. I’m not going to try to go back to work. I need to keep all of my monthly check to use for bills & buying things I need & really want. I need to focus on getting the house in as tip-top shape as possible, finding my dad & his family, & getting my health back on track. Hoping by New Year’s Eve my life has changed for the better. I need to take care of #1 & truly love myself before I try to love another person…which I highly doubt will ever even happen, but strange things happen in the real world all the time.

As far as my health, I’m seeing every kind of doctor I need to see. I gotta stop blowing them off or sugar-coating what I tell them. I want answers. I’m tired of feeling the way I do. Like I said in my last blog, I will be making appointments starting tomorrow(Monday). Seeing about getting in to see a dentist to see what can be done to fix my decaying mouth. Calling to make an appointment with a gynecologist to see if I can find out where this vaginal pain is coming from. Calling my orthopedist to schedule surgery to remove a ganglion cyst from my bad wrist. Calling to reschedule an appointment with my gastroenterologist to see if my gastric bezoar is gone(which I doubt because I loathe Diet Coke & also my symptoms have increased). Scheduling with my podiatrist to get help with the increased pain in my feet. Also rescheduling with my endocrinologist to see how my diabetes are doing. Haven’t really been checking my sugar levels(I know, I know, I know). And also scheduling with my neurologist to see if he can, at last, give me a diagnosis. Woo. Going to be busy this week calling & calling & calling. But I need answers. I need to have diagnoses. I don’t care. I want to know what is going on in my body that is keeping me feeling like shit 24/7.

I also have figured out what to send to my friends as late Christmas presents. I’m not mad about it, just wanna get them bought & shipped so I can forget about them. So those will be all out in the mail by Valentine’s Day. Thank fucking God.

Alright, after almost 2 hours of writing, I am done with this completely random blog. Just felt like writing for some reason. I just wanted to clarify some things & expand on some things. My #MeToo blog & another Get To Know Me Blog will be up by the time I go to bed Sunday night/Monday night. Until then, thanks to all who are reading this blog & all of my blogs.

Sydney xoxo

Drama Rama

This is not the only place I get to vent. I get to vent to the only friend I have in my town. And also to the voices that I hear. We talk about EVERYTHING. Things I can’t really put in a blog. Why? Well, let’s just say that they are beyond Rated-R. Also, I just won’t post those topics anywhere just because I don’t want to. And next month, I hope I will be able to vent to my new counselor. I’m super excited, I haven’t had a good counselor in way over a year.

Oh, so my pelvic ultrasound came back negative. So, there’s that good news. Also, I was allergic to the pain medicine I was given for the UTI, not the antibiotic. Taking the rest of them so that the UTI will completely go away. The pain hasn’t completely gone away which has me bothered. So I need to get in to see a gynecologist soon. Will probably schedule something next week. Also, I need definitely need to make that dentist appointment next week. It sucks that I will have to go in the snow, but my teeth are getting worse everyday. I can’t take the pain. I pound chewable aspirins like it’s my job. So I’m thinking that more than likely, I will have to have most of my teeth pulled or cut out & get partials or a whole new set of pearls. It sucks, but due to all that’s going on with my body, I can understand why they are decaying so badly. Like I said in my last blog, it is a combination of me being a semi-regular smoker, the multitude of medications I take & have taken, my autoimmune issues, the fact that I have Type 2 Diabetes, my gastroenterial reflux disease, & the fact that I’m not biggest fan of the dentist even though I usually walk out in a good mood. A serious combo that unfortunately will cost me several teeth. But I’m hoping I have a dentist that will be able to help me save the rest…if not, so be it.

I also am going to have to have surgery. I have a ganglion cyst on my bad wrist that I sprained severely & then broke within 2 years. Problem is, it is my right wrist & I am righthanded. But I have arthritis pretty bad in my hand & wrist, so obviously the cyst is making it even more fucking painful than usual. Been dealing with this since the middle of last year but I just haven’t gotten around to getting the surgery done. But the pain is outrageous so I need to get it done. Making an appointment with my orthodopeic doctor so we can set up a date to get it taken out.

So, yeah, lots of appointments I need to schedule next week. Going to be a VERY busy February. Hopefully won’t have to reschedule a lot due to the weather. The weather here is crazy. Fifty degrees one day, twenty the next. I have no idea how every single person is not super sick with these insane up & down weather changes. It either needs to stay cold or stay semi-warm(which is what I want). Not this Spring-like weather one day & Siberia-like weather the next. Ugh.😑

So, I got a meeting with a school to discuss me possibly going there. I’m SOOOOO excited!!!! It’s a radio & TV broadcasting school in Cleveland. My plan is to attend Monday, Tuesdays, & Wednesdays & since they are awesome & have a night school option, I’m hoping to do that. They have a few different programs but I want to go for actual radio & TV broadcasting. This is something I have been interested in for a long time. I love watching HSN, JTV, & QVC(I have only bought from HSN though) & would love to do that. I actually fucking hate talk shows, though, LOL, although I would love to host one. I also love radio shows. I don’t really listen to the radio much anymore, but I still love it & would absolutely love to do it. I would actually rather do radio than TV honestly. I have zero self confidence, so it would be better for me to be heard & not seen. Will update to see how the school tour & meetings go.📻📺

Online dating sucks. Dating sucks. I will never find the right person for me. Never. I guess it’s just not in the cards for me. Mostly all I’ve met online are awful people who just want sex or people who I actually consider friends who I end liking the “wrong” way. Why though?!?!?!?!?😔 It sucks. My life is such a shit-show. I don’t know why I’m still alive honestly. I can’t wait to be dead honestly. Oh what a glorious day that will be…I can only imagine.

Am I suicidal? Absolutely. Would I pull the trigger right now if I had a gun? Absolutely. It’s devastating being this low & really just not knowing what to do. I keep thinking about the main times I almost died & how absolutely angry I am that I survived those times. I didn’t deserve to survive. I didn’t want to want survive. The last time I almost died was about 7 years ago, I overdosed. When I woke up, I couldn’t believe it. I really was in total shock. I didn’t want it to be true. No one would care that I was dead anyway. I’m not feeling any kind of pity, I’m just being honest. I would finally be at peace. I wouldn’t have to do this anymore. I’m tired of doing this. Dying is my escape. I’m a walking shell. So beyond empty.

I do hope to inspire at least one person. If I do end up taking my own life, I hope that my blogs I leave behind reach people who are hurting. Please get help.

Thanks to everyone who reads my blogs. It means SOOOO much to me. I will be doing my #MeToo blogs detailing my sexual assaults either later today(Saturday) or tomorrow or maybe even Monday morning. Again, thanks so much for reading. Until next time…

Sydney xoxo

A Beautiful Mess

Happy New Year, y’all!!!!🎉 Welcome to 2018. Hopefully it is a great year for you. I have made several decisions lately that I’m very excited about. I have decided to go back so school. I have been out of school now for almost 8 years. The main reason I didn’t go back to school right after I graduated high school is because I wasn’t 100% sure about what I wanted to do & also, my health issues started soon after. So, I’m looking into a few options.

Also, I am very serious in wanting to date. I want to have a relationship with someone. I know, I know, why? Simple: I want to know what love is. Doesn’t everyone deserve that? They do. I know I have some baggage as far as all my health issues & the fact that I have been damaged in the past by every single person I’ve been involved with in any way, shape, or form. I’m trying online dating since I don’t get out much and even if I did, I’m good at all at initiating conversations with anyone, let alone someone I find attractive. So, I’ll keep y’all updated on how it goes. I’m on one site seriously(which means I don’t have to pay to message people because fuck that). So, we’ll see how it goes. I always at least get sex out of the deals, which is sad, I know, & I don’t want it to be that way this time, I’m seriously looking for an actual relationship, not just causal sex. But sex would be nice, haven’t had it in almost FOUR years. WHAT?!?!?!?!? I’m fucking serious. Not since before I got seriously ill in 2014. Too long, too long.😒

As far as schooling that I was talking about above, I really want to do it. I tried working at a Burger King near my house in the middle of last month & I honestly HATED it with a passion. I REALLY tried to like it, I did, & I honestly thought I was going to like it. I don’t wanna say I’m above fast food, but…I am. I honestly don’t understand how people aspire to become managers at those places. WHY?!?!?!? It’s a literal nightmare. I know somebody has to do it because people live for fast food & I do applaud those people, but it’s just not for me. I just didn’t fit in. It also didn’t help that I picked working at one in a town of people who think they are better than everyone else. Ugh, fucking HATE those kind of people. So, I just never called or went back. I kinda hate being one of those people to leave like that, but fuck it, they didn’t treat me that well in the very short time I was there anyway. I need a real career doing something I actually want to do. I have been looking to go into radio & TV broadcasting school. For YEARS I have been told I should do radio, voiceover work, or actually be a sex phone operator(LOL, it’s totally true). I don’t know how many people over the years have told me they love my voice. I don’t agree, but hey, if I can make money with this voice, good money, why not give it a shot? The school I found even has a night option, which is PERFECT considering I am a serious night owl & could never make it there any time before 4 p.m. Depending on when I could start, I could start soon & get my certificate & have a job around this time next year. I’m VERY excited about this & hope it will work out. This would be such an awesome opportunity for me.

My health is my biggest obstacle right now. I have severe tooth decay due to having Type 2 Diabetes, being a smoker, having immune system issues, & also the medications I’m on. So I have to see a dentist soon & work it out so I can get some dental work done. I also went in last Thursday for a pelvic ultrasound due to the problems I am having with my bladder. I have severe pain 24/7 & if I went to the bathroom every single time I felt like I had to, I wouldn’t ever leave the toilet. I also am seeing blood in my urine. I had a UTI but I was having an allergic reaction to the antibiotic & the pain medicine so I had to stop. Not sure if it went away just taking a few of the pills, so have to check that out in addition to whatever the pelvic ultrasound says. I’m hoping it is good news but I have to say just looking & comparing it to ones on the internet, it doesn’t look too good. I know, I know, I shouldn’t do that, but come on, with my symptoms, it really feels like something is really wrong this time. I just don’t feel well at all. My mood is more unstable & my body just feels yucky all the time. I constantly feel like I’m getting the flu, so I’ve been having to take a bunch of cold pills so I don’t wake up sick. My bones ache & I’m so tired. I also am nauseous. It just sucks. My anxiety isn’t really that bad though even though it could really be bad news, so I guess that’s positive. My state of mind is just erratic as all hell, though, so I’m just not really sure what is going on. I’m having severe chest pains, but I also have severe arthritis in my chest that isn’t being really treated, so I need to see my new PCP Haley & see if she can get me something to help with that. I also have GERD that’s really bad & I need to follow-up with gastro here soon to see what can be done about that. I’m a fucking mess.😴🤢🤮🤧😷🤒🤕😵

I just wish I had people I could talk to all the time. I did talk to my case worker at the counseling center I go to & he has a new counselor in mind for me. I haven’t even wanted to see one since my old one left. I could talk to Mel about anything & I knew she wasn’t going to bullshit me. She was going to give it to me straight no matter what. The only person I can bounce shit off of where I live is alright, but it’s just becoming redundant & annoying. I need more people like this around here or at least I can call or text for longer than 10 minutes & be open minded to what I say. I guess that’s why I write a blog…

OMG, I got a Contigo cup & a HotLogic Mini for myself…ah, they are both PERECTION!!! The Contigo cup is so perfect for me since I always spill my drinks no matter what, so now I have a cup that is totally leak proof. The HotLogic Mini is a portable oven/slow cooker, got it from HSN. It works so beautifully, makes me not want to ever use the microwave ever again, it cooks food so much better, one of my favorite purchases from HSN & trust me, I have bought A LOT from them over the last almost 3 years I’ve been buying from them. So, that’s something positive, LOL.

Okay, I’m gonna end this one here. I MAY get around to doing at least one more blog later today. If I don’t, I’ll have to get around to doing at least one more Thursday at the earliest, Sunday/Monday at the latest. We’ll see what I can do. Thanks for reading, especially you, Michael, & Paladin of course!!!!See y’all on the next one!!!!💋 

Sydney xoxo

Until Next Year…

I can’t believe it’s been over 3 months since I last blogged!!! I am SOOO fucking sorry. Luckily, not much has happened. But because I didn’t post earlier this month, Merry Christmas!🎁🎄🎁 And if you don’t celebrate Christmas, Happy whatever you celebrate & just Happy Holidays in general! If you follow me on Twitter(which is probably how you found this blog), you know what kind of info I post there. I post some stuff on Facebook & pictures & videos on Instagram obviously. But here, I can post ANYTHING I really want. I can say whatever I’m feeling without any judgement, mainly because no one reads my blog…but if you are reading this, THANK YOU SO MUCH. It means a lot. Whether you think I’m nuts or really think about things that I say on here, it means a lot. This is my year-end blog. Cutting it close since tomorrow it will be 2018, but hey, I am an expert procrastinator.😉

The holidays for me are very difficult. A TON of emotions hit me around this time. Thinking about how bad the year was…hoping and praying for things to change in the new year even though nothing will. And like I have probably said before, I don’t want pity. I am just posting everything that I’m feeling. If you were here, living like I have to live everyday both in my head & body & in my reality, you’d understand how unbelievably lost I am. I’m just a walking shell. I don’t know what to do. There is no help for me. There is no where to go, no one to talk to. Just nothing.😔

I don’t think I have the guts to kill myself. I wish I did all the time, like I did all those times before when I was so ready to die. I guess it’s because I have some little, tiny thing to get up for everyday…finding my dad. Which is so sad since my own mother still refuses to help me find him even though she knows & talks to people who could help me. But I still get up everyday because I still hope that one day I will meet my dad & his family or see his grave if he’s dead. Something. I have also prepared myself for the worse…if they all want nothing to do with me, then I have to live with that. I have always believed what I have heard, that black families are pretty tight-knit. I know that’s wishful thinking because that’s not always how that is, but I guess that’s part of the hope I have in my heart. Hope. Dreams.💭

My health has been declining lately. I think my body is just giving up. Making it easier for me wanting to give up & just die. Like I said, I have a reason to get up & breathe everyday, but it is very hard when you have to live in excruciating pain & not having any real diagnosis. Any diagnosis would help, no matter how bad. I will deal with it. But I just want to know what’s going on. I hate feeling so miserable.

I did get a job earlier this month. I was excited, at first. But I don’t think fast food is for me(I got a job at Burger King). Also, I don’t think getting a job is for me. I need a job I can do that will be suited for me. I’m not saying I’m helpless, but I need a job that is not too stressful & that I can sit down when I can. Yeah, I know, jobs like that are slim, especially in the shitty town & area I live in. I wish I could move. I don’t know where, because I want to stay around here in case my dad’s family is close by…I don’t want to be far away & then find them & then have to come back. So, hoping I find my dad & his family soon. Maybe then things will change if they accept me. Again, hoping for the best, but I know it’s not a guarantee at all.

I’m also feeling horrible because I’m truly afraid I will never find love. I’ve never had a real relationship or felt what real love is. I just want that. I’m not desperate, I’m not going to fuck the first person I meet just because. No, that’s not how this works. I want to feel something. I want to be accepted fully. I just want to be happy, to make someone else happy. I feel like I could even though I’m inexperienced. Maybe someday, but I just don’t ever think it’s going to happen. I’m trying online dating again even though it is just horrible. All the people I’ve met on dating sites are creepy as hell. And bad things have happened. Yuck. But maybe I’ll get lucky this time. If there is a connection, that’s all that matters. I do want children, but I am willing to have them naturally or by adoption. To me, it doesn’t matter. Whatever I can do, whatever myself & my partner can do. If it happens, it happens, if not, I guess I’ll have to live with that.🤰🏾👶🏾🍼

I have decided that I will be writing blogs more in the new year. I’m not saying I will be posting every single week or anything, but I promise to do it at least a few times every month. I have several topics in mind I need to cover. No matter how long or short, if I feel like I’m in a good mindset, I will post it. I ONLY post a blog when I’m feeling myself. If I feel any bit off, I will not post. Even if I promise 10 times that day, if at the time I have set aside to write I’m not feeling good, something has happened, whatever, I will write my blog another day. I still have serious memory issues, but I shall do my best to remember everything I want to write here.

Alright, so I think this is all I want to include. I just hope that 2018 brings good things. I doubt it, but for some odd reason I will always have hope. Kinda-unwavering hope. Not sure if that makes me smart or stupid. Probably a little bit of both. I do promise that in my coming blogs I will be sure to not hold ANYTHING back. I try not to do that now, but I do. I try not to let my mental illness consume me, but most times that’s impossible. I want to be as honest as possible but not let the crazy really come through. Maybe I need to do that. We’ll see. I promise I’ll let you in more though. I think it will help me & will help you get to really know me better, too.

Okay, so this is it. My last blog of 2017. Was trying to get this blog over 1,100 words & I did it! Happy New Year’s Eve everyone & since I’m not posting until next year, Happy New Year!🎇🎉🎆 I hope you have an amazing 2018. And if you made it this far, THANK YOU SO MUCH for taking the time to read my blog! Much love to you always.😘💋

Sydney xoxo

 

Stephen King’s IT (2017) Review

OMG. OMG. OMG. OMG. The new IT movie is E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G. Best movie ever. Seriously. I fucking loved it. I LIVE for this movie now. If you haven’t seen it yet, find a way to do so. It is seriously perfection. It even scared the shit out of me. I screamed. No bullshit, I did. It was that amazing. Ah, I can’t get enough of this movie, it is just AHHHHHH!!!! Too fucking good.😍

I am not giving you any details about the movie, but I will say that it is VERY different from the original miniseries. I have not gotten around to reading the Stephen King book, so I’m not sure if the movie is more like the book…I have heard that it is though, so there’s that.🎈

Bill Skarsgard deserves an Oscar, he did an absolutely perfect job playing Pennywise.  I LOVE Tim Curry and his portrayal, though, Tim did an amazing job. So good I didn’t think anyone could top him. But Bill crushed it. It’s kinda hard to compare the two because they are so different. The original miniseries was creepy while the new one was scary. That’s the best way I can compare them. They have a few scenes that are similar, but not many. I love them both, but the movie is my favorite.🤡

So yeah, this was just a little blog to express my love for the new movie. Every second of the movie was absolutely perfect. The kids did an AH-MAZING job. All the actors did a fabulous job, they all worked, everything was just incredible. I cannot wait for the sequel!!!! Gonna be EXTREMELY hard to top this one, but we’ll see what they can do. But for real, Bill did such a stellar job, best performance I have seen in a movie since Heath Ledger in The Dark Knight. Ah, he knocked it out of the park.❤️

Okay, so that’s my blog on my love for the new IT movie. Literally it is now in my Top 5 favorite movies of all time. Again, if have not seen it, GO SEE IT. It is SOOOO beyond worth it. You will not be disappointed. Okay, gonna end it here, until next time, love to all who took the time to read this. It means so much to me.😘

Sydney xoxo

Random Facts

I thought I’d tell you all some random facts about me. Completely true facts…so here we go!!!!

1. My middle name is Elizabeth.

2. I’m a Sagittarius.♐️

3. I live to shop.🛍

4. My favorite type of movies are documentaries.

5. I am extremely indecisive.

6. I suffer from several serious mental illnesses.

7. I can’t sleep without a fan on.

8. I am not a virgin.

9. I love having my hair short & being able to change it up all the time.

10. I like TV shows better than movies.

11. My favorite holidays are Christmas and Halloween.🎄🎃

12. I have autographs from Amy Dumas(WWF/E’s Lita), Jovanka Vuckovic, Michelle Rodriguez, & Robin Meade.

13. I talked on the phone with Amy Dumas/Lita during one of her radio shows she had several years ago.

14. I LOVE true crime.🆔

15. Michelle Rodriguez answered one of my questions I asked during her #AskMRod sessions & the video is on YouTube.

16. I won a contest Michelle Rodriguez had going on after Paul Walker died & won a signed copy of ‘Fast & Furious 6’…the pic of the collage of all 5 winners is on her Facebook page.

17. I actually hate the ‘Fast & Furious’ series & pretty much all action movies in general.

18. I am apparently related to HLN’s Robin Meade, but I’m not sure how so don’t ask me…if I ever find out exactly how I will do a little blog about it.

19. I live for all things 1990s related.

20. My first celebrity crush was on Jonathan Taylor Thomas.

21. I have been sexually assaulted…will do an entire blog on that soon.

22. While I am not straight, I do not label myself a specific, well, label. If I HAD to, I’d say I’m bisexual.

23. Music is my life.🎶🎵🎶

24. I have never met my biological father, but I do hope to change that very soon.

25. Leopard print is a primary color in my world.

26. I’ve never been in a relationship or been in love.

27. The only sports I watch are baseball, basketball, & football.

28. I have become a Los Angeles Rams fan mainly due to their involvement in the LGBT community.🏳️‍🌈

29. I am ride or die for my Cleveland Indians & Cleveland Cavaliers.❤️💛💙

30. My favorite season is Spring.🌧☔️🌈🌷🌹

31. I LOVE crafting and decorating.🎉

32. I love flowers…my favorites are hibiscuses & roses.🌺🌹

33. I have always wanted to live in New York City.

34. I am single.

35. I am Irish.🍀

36. I live for Apple products…I know, I know, I just can’t help it.📱

37. Rose gold is my new favorite color.

38. I love hot coffee, but I LIVE for iced coffee.

39. I don’t know how to cook except the bare minimum…& even that’s iffy.

40. My favorite item of jewelry is earrings…I feel naked if I leave the house without any.

41. I never leave the house without perfume/body spray & lipstick/lip gloss/chapstick.

42. I can’t wear contacts due to how twitchy my eyes are.

43. I have done 2 pageants…I don’t really support ”beauty pageants” & neither does my mom, so I was able to do the National American Miss pageant for 2 years.👑💐

44. I am obsessed with glitter.

45. I am a total night owl…I absolutely hate mornings.

46. I live for Halloween & Christmas decorations & collect them.

47. Cats and tropical fish are my favorite pets & the only ones I will own…I currently only have cats.🐱🐠

48. I have never been to a Pride event but hopefully will make it to one next year.🏳️‍🌈

49. I am very, very, very, very indecisive.

50. Coming up with 50 facts about me is hard, LOL.😉

Thanks for reading!!!!! Have several more blogs in the works, so expect a lot more in the coming weeks. Peace and love to y’all.

Sydney xoxo