Cuts

So, things lately have not been good at all for me. I’ve been having a really hard time lately. I just feel so lost. Just a lot on my mind. So this blog is just going to be basically me rambling on about what’s been going on in my mind.

I kinda feel like my mental illnesses are changing & obviously not in the right direction. I see a counselor, but she’s not helping me at all. I’ve only had a couple counselors that seemed to really get me & the one I have now is just not a good one. I also see a psychiatrist but she’s not very helpful. I take medications but they aren’t really working as I’d hoped they would. I can’t stand my new case manager. I have no one to talk to that can help me. I have nothing, I have no one. I’ve never ever had any real friends…I’ve really been thinking about it lately & not one person I’ve ever met has actually been a friend to me. No one to spend time with, just no one. I have a large family but I am definitely the literal black sheep. And none of my family would really help honestly.

I named this blog “Cuts” because I have been cutting lately to cope. I’ve also been smoking cigarettes a lot of the time. I just wish I wouldn’t wake up. I just wish I was dead. Most mornings I wake up so pissed that I didn’t die in my sleep. Some days are better than others. My cuts on my wrists are healing. Some days I wake up and things are okay, other days I am just so upset that I can barely fucking stand it. Some days I wake up & am glad I’m still breathing. It’s so up & down.

I blame the Winter for a lot of the reason I feel the way I do. I suffer from severe Seasonal Affective Disorder(SAD). I know I’ll feel better when Spring finally fucking comes. It needs to hurry the hell up. My mom & I decided to go somewhere close for her birthday at the end of the month which I don’t mind, I just can’t wait. I need to be able to take a shower & bath. I know you’re probably thinking, “But Sydney, can’t you do that at home?”…no. Long story, but no. I do get cleaned up regularly, but currently do not have the ability to take a shower or bath where I live. So anyway, yeah. That whole story is a whole other blog.

Alright, I’m done writing for tonight. Thanks for reading. Feel free to comment & I’ll reply as soon as I can.

Sydney xoxo

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2019 Vibes

Helllloooo, loves!!! Thanks for taking the time to read my blog. Happy New Year!🎉🎊 Hope 2019 is a great one. I’m looking forward to it. Hoping this year is gonna be a good one for me. We shall see…

Nothing really going on here, just braving the cold & the huge snowstorm that hit a couple days ago. Still dealing with some health issues, which is nothing new. Feeling okay right now, just tired of dealing with all this shit. I doubt I will ever be completely healthy, but it would be nice to just feel a little bit better for a little while.

I have decided I am going to treat myself this year. Not that I don’t do that every year, but this year I wanna pamper myself. Gotta take care of #1. One thing I’ve decided to do is get manicures & pedicures whenever I can. Since I got sick back in 2014, I haven’t really painted my nails since then due to just not feeling good enough to do it. So, I’m gonna do that.💅🏾I also am going to start slow but I’m going to start exercising every day. Due to having seasonal affective disorder(SAD), I am going to have start when the weather cooperates. My goal is to be at about 170 lbs. by July 1st. Not impossible, but I really have to work at it. No more eating out unless it’s not a lot, no more just sleeping all day & sitting around, just no more bullshit. I have to do this.

My diabetes is completely out of whack. It’s totally my fault. I need to start taking care of it better along with just taking care of myself fully. I have also decided I need to stop smoking, which is an obvious bad habit, but due to be addicted for so long this time, it’s going to be hard. I need to start chewing gum again. But that won’t help because my teeth are going bad & I can’t see a dentist until I have my sugar under complete control. Can’t win for losing, I swear. It’ll be a long process. Wish me luck!!! I’m definitely going to need it.💪🏾

I said in my last blog that my mom & I are trying to plan a little vacation. I wanna go to NYC but maybe we can go to Niagra Falls(NY side), or Myrtle Beach. I’ll let y’all know what we decide, we are very conflicted right now, LOL.🛣

I see a lot of diets in my future. Due to having several ailments that require different diet regimens, I have to be careful. But obviously, I gotta lose the pop & sweets. I have to eat more vegetables & fruits. Water is about to become my best friend. Obvious shit that I HAVE to do. I am also looking into some luxury bath & body stuff because due to my diabetes & Winter being a bitch, I am beyond dried out. The place I live in isn’t helping either. I wish I could move out, but due to the lack of credit & funds, & the fact that I have basically have been told I need a caregiver(which is my mom), I’m stuck. If things go right, we may get help. Fingers crossed!!!!!🤞🏾

I HAVE to get my mental health taken care of. I had a mini-breakdown a few days ago. I have to get on the right set of medications. I like my psychiatrist, but I don’t think I’m on the right mixture of medications yet. I see her in about 3 weeks, so I’m going to have go in & tell her again that this combo isn’t working out for me. I wish I knew what I needed but I just don’t know what that would be. I’ll update after I see her & tell you if things are better or worse or perfect or all wrong.

Okay, that’s all for now. Again, thanks for reading!!!! Until next time…

Sydney xoxo

P.S. GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO RAMS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!💙🏈💛

Hair To Wear

Wowza, hey y’all!!! Been awhile since I’ve posted. Not too much going on. Just getting ready for Christmas, my favorite holiday. It used to be I was all about Halloween, but honestly, Christmas has always been my favorite holiday. I love everything about Christmas, especially the lights. One of my favorite things to do is go around & look at Christmas lights. Never gets old. I live for it. I’m already done Christmas shopping! Love it. Although I hate being broke as fuck. But the holidays will do that to ya, it happens to me every time. 🎄✨

So, you’re probably wondering why I named this blog what I did. Well, I wanted to update on one of my New Year’s Resolutions. I want to grow my hair out & this time I mean business. I want it to be LONG. My goal is by the end of the year to have it almost shoulder length. I know, I know, hair grows a little at a time. Well, I found a bunch of ways to excelerate hair growth, thanks to Pinterest. I’m going to pick a few of them & be consistent as possible with them & hopefully it will work. It’s not impossible for me to reach this goal. Just gotta stick with it. So, here’s the plan: starting next month, I’m going to buy most of my hair care & start doing it. I’m also going to start drinking a TON of water. I’m having my mom trim my hair also comb & brush the shit out of my hair(one of my mom’s friends told her about it). I’m putting a relaxer on my hair soon. It’s all about being confident. Hair is one of the main things that makes me feel confident. Wish me luck!!!!!!!

Also, I GOTTA lose this weight!!!! I’ve put on so much weight since I got sick. It’s horrible. My goal is to be down to 145 lbs. by my birthday. That’s a lot of weight to lose, but I have to. I’m going to start walking & jogging. I’m hoping I can get a bike this Spring. I’m going to start exercising as much as possible. Wish me luck again!!!

So, I’ve been planning a vacation for next year. My mom isn’t working right now & won’t until the Spring, so I want for us to go on a big vacation before that happens. So, we may be going to New York City!!!!!🗽OMG!!!!😍🤩 My dream vacation. Fuck Florida, you wanna impress me even a tiny bit, tell me you’re going to the Big Apple. My mom mentioned Niagra Falls, too, which would be awesome, too, because I’ve seen it from a distance. We’ll see what happens, but I SOOOOOOO hope I get to go to NYC before I die. Nothing could make me happier than going to New York, New York, even for a day. I’ll keep you posted & of course if we do go to either place I’ll blog about it & show you a lot of pics.

Okey dokey, I think that’s it for now. Will blog again after the first of the year. Merry Christmas & Happy New Year, thanks so much for reading!!!!! See y’all in 2019, let’s make it the best year yet!!!!🎉🎊

Sydney xoxo

P.S. Please follow me on social media!!!💋

Twitter: 90sGirl_Sydney

Facebook: facebook.com/90sGirlSydney

Instagram: mssydney1991(this one is private, so request to follow me!!!)

Snapchat: tribecavsgirl01(I’m not on here often, but hopefully will be more active in the new year!!!!)

Never Good Enough

Hellllooooo. I have a little bit of time, so I thought I would blog. It’s been a little while since I have & I have some things to update on & some stuff I wanna talk about. First off, HOW GOOD ARE MY RAMS RIGHT NOW?!?!?!?!?!?!? LOVE IT!!! SOOOO hoping they can keep this up…I see playoffs already.😍💙🏈💛

I am done with occupational therapy, thank goodness. My wrist is feeling better, but the arthritis is killing me right now. But I can do everything with it, so that’s good.

I named this blog what I did because that’s how I have felt for so many years. I’m just not good at all-at anything or for anyone. No man has ever felt I was good enough for them, thus why I have never been in a relationship of any kind. I don’t think I ever will. I also have never had any real, good friendships either. I never have had friends that want to go to the mall or wanted to go for drinks. I will admit though that all of the men(and one woman) I’ve been with haven’t been worth anything…same with the friendships I thought I’d made. Just over it. So that’s that.

Okey dokey, so that’s it for now. Will probably do another blog when I feel like it detailing how I feel on the daily. It’s just hard because as this blog says, I am a severely mentally ill woman. So that’s that. But I will blog soon about something.

Until next time. Peace out.✌🏾

Sydney💋 xoxo

Hope

Hellloo!!! Thanks in advance for reading. Means a lot. Another blog typed up on my beloved iPad. Watching my Tribe play, drinking a Coke, & smoking a cigarette(very bad habit, I know). Waiting on my mom to get home from working, so I thought I’d update on some things.

First, I did have the surgery on my wrist. In therapy-which I hate-to get it moving. I guess the therapy is working, I just hate going. Can’t wait until it’s done, which will be around October 11th. I’m still in a considerable amount of pain, but I’m doing okay. More annoying than anything.

If you didn’t read my #MeToo blog, you should. I don’t really like talking about the fact that I have been sexually assaulted, but with all the news bringing it up, it’s like bees stinging my brain having to think about every time I was. I know it seems insane that I have been put in the line of fire so to speak & suffered as many times as I did, but it’s true. I’ll just kinda summarize what I put in the #MeToo blog. When I was 13, I was raped in the swimming pool of a hotel in Columbus, OH. When I was 16, I was a victim of a contact sexual assault/statuatory rape with a man…less than 2 years later, he lured me out again. When I was 17, I was raped by a guy behind a dumpster & due to the rape, I ended up having a severe STI. I was begging & pleading for him to stop because it hurt so bad & just didn’t feel right. I went to the ER soon after & that’s when it hit me, he did this solely to hurt me. I was devastated & after that, I didn’t have sex for a long time. I also was raped by a guy who drugged me and forced me to have sex with him by a tree in my local park. 4 times…4 times. Insane. But true. Do you believe me?  I believe you, Dr. Ford. Once was bad enough. It should never happen to ANYONE. It destroys your soul. It destroys you forever. “Boys will be boys” is BULLSHIT. Boys will be held accountable for their fucking actions. Period.

I’m getting my hair done soon, I have THE best salon now, my hair stylists are amazing. Letting them do a relaxer on me & style my hair. I’m hoping I like it well enough to take some pictures…not that my stylists are bad, but I am just so not self confident at all. I have been told for years that I look like a man. I know it shouldn’t bother me because it’s not true, but with short hair & my weight, it isn’t helping anything. I’m hoping a fresh hairstyle will help me gain a little self confidence.

Football season is upon us!! My Rams are doing AMAZING!!!! SOOOO happy about this, hopefully they can keep it up!!!!!😍💙🏈💙😍

My Tribe is going into October…hopefully they make it deep into the Playoffs!!!! Fingers crossed!!!!!❤️⚾️💙

Okay, I think that’s all right now. I’ll update soon, I promise, need to blog at least once a week if not more, just talking about anything, Let’s see what I can come up with. Anywho, I’m out, thanks again for reading.

Sydney xoxo

 

Banged Up

Oh my fucking GOD, I seriously just realized I haven’t blogged in like 3 months. Holy shit. Sorry to all who actually keep up with my blog, it means a lot. Not a whole lot going on to be honest, but there are things I want to update on.

First off, I never got a bike. Haven’t had the money lately & due to health issues both mentally and physically, I haven’t been in the right state of mind to try and get a job. I just have no motivation to work at all. Also, due to my credit being horrid, if I got a job, my checks would be garnished anyway, so it’s really not worth it. I’m looking at doing credit repair services & if I can’t do that, I will be filing bankruptcy next year. It sucks, but I need to do something to help my credit get back up high, even though I don’t do anything with it right now.

I had to be put on insulin due to my diabetes being completely out of whack. I have gained even more weight & due to having PCOS, it is going to be hard to lose it. Ugh. I hope to be down about 30 lbs. by my birthday in November. We’ll see how it goes.

I am having surgery this Wednesday to have a large ganglion cyst removed from my right wrist. I’ve had it for awhile but it’s getting worse. It hurts so bad & my hand stays swollen because of it. So, I’m finally getting it taken care of. It sucks because it’s my bad wrist-I severely sprained it in 2003 & broke it in 2005-& I’m right handed, so I’m not going to be able to do much for at least 6 weeks, probably more. But I have to get it taken off, it’s not going away & I have trouble doing everyday things due to it. I’m pretty nervous though, but I’m sure it will be fine, my doctor is so good, he has handled both of wrist issues & did my left knee arthroscopic surgery when I banged up my knee back in 2006. I’ll update on Twitter once I get out of the hospital.

Soooo, I think that is all I need to update on right now. I will try to blog while I recover from surgery. Until then, peace out, peeps!!!! ✌🏾

Sydney xoxo

P.S. GOOOOOOO TRIBE!!!!!!!❤️⚾️💙 & since football season is FINALLY almost upon us, GOOOOOOOOO RAMS!!!!!!!💙🏈💙

Hello, It’s Me

Yes, it is me, Sydney, back with another overdue blog. I am recovering from probably the worst thing that has ever happened to me…a UTI & a yeast infection at the same time. I literally felt like I was gonna die.😵Thankfully all the stuff I did before & after I saw my doctor helped & I’m feeling much, much, much, much better. My sugar has been out of whack(I’m a Type 2 diabetic), so that’s the main reason for having both a UTI & yeast infection together. Ugh. Yuck.😓This is also the first blog on my newly fixed iPad.📱I had a bipolar episode & ended up breaking it…the screen that is, it worked fine other than that being completely fucking shattered. So, yeah, messy stuff going on with me right now.

Due to being ill & this crazy up & down weather, I have not been able to start exercising yet. My mom is still going to buy us bikes soon, so hopefully I can feel good enough to get out & ride at least an hour a day.🚲 My goals as far as my weight loss have changed…I really have to go slow with losing this weight because I am not the healthiest I’ve ever been. I can’t just push myself as hard as I want because then I could hurt myself & never lose any of this weight. My main goal as of now is to be to 170 lbs. by August 1st. That’s about 30 lbs. If I stick to a nice diet starting probably next month due to me ruining it already this month, I should be in good shape. I have found a lot of beginner exercises on Pinterest, so I’m doing them. If I can just get under 190 lbs., I would feel SOOOOOOOO much better. I FINALLY got a dentist appointment set for next month, so I’m happy but nervous about that due to my teeth being in such bad shape.

I know this is short & sweet, but I’m not feeling the best, but wanted to update. Thanks for reading!!!! Will have a newer blog up soon, so stay tuned!!!!!💋

Sydney xoxo

P.S. GOOOOOO Cavs!!!!❤️🏀💛 GOOOOOO Tribe!!!!!❤️⚾️💙

TLC

Hellloooo!!!!!!!!!! First blog post on my brand new HP laptop from HSN. I LOVE IT!!!! Getting the hang of it pretty quickly, I’m pretty tech-literate, one of the only skills I have. So, I have bought a new computer mainly to replace one I shouldn’t of even bought. I still have no desire to work. I’m thinking about going to school for something online, but have no idea what. I have decided I have no desire to work right now. My health is not 100% yet, so I need to get that straightened out before I even think about working, even the little bit I’m allowed to & be able to keep my benefits.

I have been diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome, as I said in my last blog. I have a blood clot factor, so I cannot take birth control with estrogen, but I have to take birth control from now on unless I actually meet someone & want to try to get pregnant(hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha). I’m at a high risk for getting endometrial cancer having PCOS, so I have to be careful of that. Scary, but I’m dealing with it. Acne is a huge thing I’m dealing with right now due to PCOS. The worst part is having a hard time losing weight with PCOS. I HAVE to lose at least some of this weight. I fucking have to. My goal weight right now is 160 lbs. That means right now I have to lose about 40 pounds. I know I said in my last blog that my goal weight was like 135, which would be awesome, but with the PCOS that goal is going to be extremely hard to reach even in the next year. My goal date to be at 160 is August 1st. If I can’t reach 160 by then, I at least want to be down 20 pounds. 180 lbs. would be fucking awesome right now. Going to stop eating out & just eat meals at home & going to start walking & doing some exercises. I’m hoping to get a bike soon still, my mom is going to try to buy us both one, so we’ll see if we can budget that out & then I can start biking constantly. Will document my weight loss journey on Instagram & Snapchat, so be sure to follow me there, links here somewhere, LOL.

Dealing with some family issues. But honestly, it has made me realize that my family & my real friends mean the most to me & they HAVE to. I need to make trips & meet a bunch of my family members & all my online friends. I want to contact my family members & friends…I don’t want to be annoying, but I want to be close to them. I want to do things with them. It’s not too late yet. Someday it will be. I have so many regrets anyway, I don’t need more. I’ve really been able to communicate with my mom lately & let her in. She understands more & more which I am thankful for. I can’t go back in time, I can’t change the past. I have to try to make up for lost time with the people I can do that with. I want to kill myself everyday when I have the few memories I can remember from my past that really bother me. For example, my sexual assaults & my foster care experience both with an actual foster “family” & then with relatives, which I was just extremely angry & rebellious. Also, the anniversary of my aunt dying was just a few days ago & I remember my anger & grief that came with that, which eventually led me to my 3rd psychiatric hospitalization. So, yeah, doing a lot of reflecting & connecting. Of course I’ve been thinking about my dad. The day will come when I will be comfortable enough with myself to really push the issue & that will be the day I find his family. I feel that day coming soon. I hope I won’t be too late…

I have to have a hearing test done…having serious issues with pain in my ears. I was checked & I have a lot of fluid in them but the medicine I was taking for it didn’t work, so I have to see why I’m still in so much pain. I also still need to make appointments to get my teeth taken care of & the ganglion cyst taken out. I need the fucking weather in Ohio to cooperate so I can get all taken care of. Also, I think I’m getting sick, so I can’t see any doctor. If I’m not getting sick I think I’m getting laryngitis, which honestly is better than getting sick, at least I can still do stuff. Yes, I’m still smoking. I need to quit, which I know I can do, but I do need to do it now because it helps me control my eating, especially eating out which is a huge problem for me. I will probably have to end up having surgery on both my feet and my Achilles tendons due to how bad my feet are. They are such a problem. I’m going to go as long as I can without surgery, but that’s more than likely where I’m headed unfortunately. Ugh.

No more online dating. & if I do go back, it will NOT be on POF. That site is a total piece of shit. I will try others, as long as I don’t have to pay for them because fuck having to pay to find a guy who probably only wants to have sex. This last time I met some fucked up people on there, OMG they were so creepy & weird!!!!! Glad I’m done with that. It was such a migraine. Yuck. I will go back into the dating scene when I feel up to it, when I think I look good enough to date and also when I feel like it. I’m fine being alone right now…like I said above, really need to focus on my family & friends.

Not sure if we are moving or not. Will keep ya updating on this.

Okay, I think that is all I have to update y’all on right now. Got over my 1,000 word minimum I like to hit every blog, LOL. Anywho, another new blog will be up at some point soon. Thanks so much for reading, much love to ya, bye until next time!!!!

Sydney xoxo

#RevengeBody

Helllloooo!!!! Thanks in advance for reading. Just want to update & clear up some stuff. First of all, I want to detail my “revenge body” I have been talking about on Twitter. Basically, it’s only a revenge body for me. I’m not doing it to make anyone jealous or make them wish they were still with me. I’m doing it to prove to myself that I can get back to the body I had way before I got sick. I fucking miss how I looked & felt when I was much, much younger. My goal weight is 135-that means I have to lose 65 pounds. I’m determined as fuck. I have been using Pinterest like it’s my job, looking up all sorts of shit I can do to lose this weight & tone up so I’m not super flabby once I lose the massive amount of weight I’m going to lose. I am getting a bike soon, so that will be my main exercise.🚴🏾‍♀️ I’m SUPER excited to get this started. Going to start once the weather stays consistent because due to my seasonal affective disorder, I get extremely lathargic when it’s any bit cold, so I need it to be be Spring now so I can get this going!!!! Hoping to be to my goal weight or extremely close by August 1st & exceed that to at about 125 lbs. by Labor Day.💪🏾👊🏾

I did get a diagnosis the other day. I think I said in an earlier blog that no matter what, I just want a diagnosis. I’ll do what I need to do & deal with it, but I just want to know. I saw my gynecologist & have been diagnosed with polycystic ovary syndrome, which explains a lot. Hoping to get it taken care of, which my gynecologist is working on it & I know she’ll do everything possible even though there is no cure. I also have to see a urologist to deal with my bladder issues. I think I know what’s going on, but I’m not a doctor, so I can’t just assume, I need an actual doctor to diagnosis me. I’ll let you know when I get in & what he or she says.

My diabetes is doing good, which is good, & means I can get my teeth taken care of. Making an appointment with a new dentist this coming week. I had to find a dentist who will be able to put me to sleep because Novocain doesn’t work for me & I’m going to probably have to have a few if not several teeth taken out due to them being decayed. I think I said why they are decayed before, but if not, it’s because of my diabetes, GERD, my autoimmune issues, & the fact that I smoke. I’m probably done smoking for good now. I quit all the time, but now they are just making me feel bad. I’ll finish the ones I have & be done. It’s an annoying habit. I’d rather suck my thumb until I’m 100 years old than smoke. My GERD is still an issue. I’m probably going to have to have more procedures to get that under control. My autoimmune issues are still a problem, too. I see my neurologist this Tuesday, so hoping I can get some answers from previous tests & also see what else I can do because dysautomia SUCKS. Hoping soon I know what is actually causing the dysautomia-that still hasn’t been determined & it needs to be so it can be treated along with the dysautomia.

More in the doctor category continues: I have a ganglion cyst on my bad wrist. I severely sprained my right wrist in 2003 & then in 2005, I broke that same wrist. To top it all off, I am, of course, right handed. So now I have arthritis in it & the ganglion cyst has made the pain unbearable. My hand is staying swollen as well. It’s awful.😩 So I need to have surgery to remove the cyst ASAP. Making an appointment with my orthopedist this week. My yearly eye exam date is set, so I will have new glasses in August.👓 I’m also making an appointment this week with my podiatrist to see what else can be done about my plantar fasciitis. I’m SOOOOO hoping that me losing a lot of this weight will help this issue, because my feet hurt SOOOOO fucking bad 24/7. I wanna cry all the time because the pain is so severe. So, here’s hoping getting some of this weight off will help.

So, my mom is thinking about taking some of her tax refund & moving. I want to, as long as I can take my cats. I think it’s fucking bullshit that most places refuse to let you own pets. You can’t be an animal lover & then discriminate against them in the properties you own. So, if my cats can’t go, I’m not going. So, yeah, it’s probably going to be impossible to find a place. But we’ll see how it goes. We need to move, but right now I’m just focused on getting healthy. I’ll deal with getting the money to move when it comes time for that, which won’t be anytime soon. We kind of have to move in case the bank takes our house since my mom filed in her bankruptcy almost 2 years ago.

I have decided I have no desire to go to school for anything or work. I hate to say I just want to live off the government, but right now, I just really want to. I don’t have the drive or work ethic to do it. I honestly don’t care how that sounds. That’s how I want it to be & that’s how it is for now. I have enough money to do it, so that’s how it’s going to be for as long as I can do it.

I did go back to Plenty Of Fish. Ugh. I know, I know, but I REALLY want to meet someone worth my goddamn time. I doubt I will, but you never know. I’m not desperate & I’m not just in it for sex. I really am looking. I kinda wanna wait until I’ve had stuff done with my health, but, I’m impatient as hell. I’ll update if I meet anyone worth my time. Judge me all you want in the mean time.

Okay, I THINK that’s it. For now. Will update again soon. Thanks so much for reading!!! Comment any questions or just regular comments about anything in this blog if you want, I’ll probably get back to you. Until next time…

Sydney xoxo

Changes Change

Helllloooo. Thanks in advance for reading! I just wanted to pop on & update a few things. First thing, I have FINALLY found a school I want to go to! Yeah, yeah, I know. I was seriously considering radio & TV broadcasting school. I even went there & got accepted. But honestly, it gave me SOOOOOO much anxiety! Despite the fact that I am indeed mentally ill, I have never been attention-seeking. Every time I attempted suicide, I did it because I seriously wanted to die, not for any attention. I just don’t think being on air is for me. Even radio would be too much. My anxiety is getting worse. My mental illnesses are changing for some reason. I’m honestly scared. But I’m trying to stay as positive as possible.

I have decided to go to school to become a Certified/Registered Medical Assistant at a school that is closer than the one in Cleveland. I think I could definitely thrive doing this & honestly, it would be a more secure career. I’ve actually been wanting to be in the medical field for a long time. It wouldn’t be too nerve-wracking. I think I’d be good at it. Plus, I would get to wear scrubs everyday, LOL. But no, seriously, this is something I want to do, I’ve been looking into this for a little while.

So, now that it is after midnight on Wednesday, I will be making those appointments I was talking about in one of my last blogs today. No one has talked me into doing this, I actually just had to come up with the order of who I need to make an appointment with first. Before I do anything, I need to contact my endocrinologist to see how my sugar is doing. Due to my seasonal affective disorder & my mental illnesses changing so rapidly, I have been eating a lot more. I need a new sugar checking machine as well. So that’s the first doctor I need to call. Then all the others will follow. Due to the fact that my diabetes have to be in check before I can have any teeth fixed, the dentist is going to be last. Hoping to have every appointment scheduled by April 1st & everything settled by July 1st.

The dating site I was on, Plenty of Fish(POF) is such a fucking joke. If you are looking for ANYTHING meaningful, skip that site. All it has on it are jerks who only want naked pictures & to sext 24/7. It’s disgusting. I deleted my profile completely a few minutes ago. I’m SOOO beyond done with that shit. Yuck.

What are friends? What are GOOD friends? I wish I knew. I’ve never had both. I’m not saying this out of spite, just being honest. When you have “friends” that don’t care if you die. Plus, nobody cares about your problems. They have their own. Counselors & psychiatrists care, but I would too if I got paid $20/hour to listen to people bitch for 8 hours a day. I guess that’s why I blog…I just get to get whatever is on my chest out.

I’ll update again soon…thanks for reading.

Sydney xoxo