Torment

Fallen
Sarah McLachlan
Heaven bend to take my hand and lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer to a long and painful fight
Truth be told I tried my best
But somewhere along the way, I got caught up in all there was to offer
But the cost was so much more than I could bear
Though I’ve tried,
I’ve fallen
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don’t come ’round here and
Tell me I told you so
We all begin with good intent
When love was raw and young
We believe that we can change ourselves
The past can be undone
But we carry on our back the burdens time always reveals
In the lonely light of morning
In the wound that would not heal
It’s the bitter taste of losing everything
I’ve held so dear
I’ve fallen
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don’t come ’round here and
Tell me I told you so
Oh,
Heaven bend to take my hand
I’ve nowhere left to turn
I’m lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turn their heads, embarrassed
Pretend that they don’t see
That it’s one miss step, one slip, before you know it
And there doesn’t seem a way to be redeemed
Though I’ve tried,
I’ve fallen
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don’t come ’round here and
Tell me I told you so
Oh,
I’ve messed up
Better I should know
Don’t come ’round here and
Tell me I told you so

This blog is called ”Confessions of a Mentally Ill Brain”. Why? Because I am severely mentally ill and have been for almost 14 years. For 14 years my brain has been ravaged. I have tried killing myself numerous times. I have almost succeeded…most days I regret not going through with it. I have tried hanging myself, setting a room on fire so I could die from smoke inhalation, overdosing on medication. I was very close to death all those times. And if I had a dollar for every time I wanted to felt like I wanted to take my own life I would be richer than Bill Gates.

I am writing this blog in light of the two suicides of two very well-known musicians, Chris Cornell & Chester Bennington. I understand the pain they were in & I understand why they made their decisions. Depression and mental illnesses are so deadly. They kill people just like any other disease. I know everyday so many people end their lives by suicide and probably never get their story told, but if the death of celebrity’s suicide can help someone else with their struggle, then so be it. Anyone can be stricken with depression or a severe mental illness such as bipolar disorder or schizophrenia and end their lives because of how you have to live with such horrific thoughts and feelings.

I have been diagnosed with several severe mental illnesses including bipolar depression, paranoid schizophrenia, and borderline personality disorder. I also suffer from PTSD due to be sexually assaulted as a child and also from a car accident I was in. I hear voices, I hallucinate, I have thoughts that are not my own. I also suffer from homicidal thoughts and while I obviously haven’t given in to those thoughts either, I think about often & it’s so beyond scary. I also live in a place where I am unable to take care of myself the way I need to…if I told y’all the conditions of my living space, I swear you wouldn’t believe me. It’s that bad. I wish I could change things but I doubt unless a miracle happens, it never will due to not being able to get a job due to my mental issues. I suffer from anxiety, specifically agoraphobia. It sucks. I have missed out on a lot of chances due to my health.

Why haven’t I ended my life? I don’t know. I guess I have too much faith, too much hope, too much strength even though most days I know I absolutely don’t. There is one thing keeping me going though-finding my biological father. I would give anything to know where he is. Even if he & his family want nothing to do with me, at least I would know. Would I kill myself if they said to stay away? I don’t know exactly. I just know I could move on & look forward to other things. I want to have a child someday in the near future, once I am healed enough to be able to raise one. Maybe meet my online friends since they are the only ones I have-Lorry, Michael, Douglas, Darcy, Monique, Janel, Joshua, Jovanka. Sorry if I missed anyone! Love you all! Thanks for being my friend. Anyway, I do have a lot to live for I guess. I guess I haven’t exhausted my time here on Earth yet. I  am not crazy. Maybe a crazy cat lady, but I am actually extremely intellectual & smart. I just acquired these awful illnesses that have almost taken over my entire life…but I REFUSE to let it take over my life 100%. NO. Never. I will fight until I can longer do so. I will. Fight. Fight. Fight.

I am dealing with physical problems too which has made my mental issues a whole lot worse. I pray it’s nothing too serious. I will keep you all posted, I promise. I also promise I will write more often. This blog was just a little something I needed to get off my chest because I have such a personal connection with mental illnesses and depression and as a survivor of suicide. I send love to all of you struggling. You are not alone & you’ll never be alone. Please get help. Call your local hotline if you need to talk to someone over the weekend or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline Phone Number at 1-800-273-8255. I know a phone call isn’t like having someone there holding your hand and actually talking to you, but believe me, it does help…they will talk to you as long as they need to & if you need to go to the hospital I know the local hotlines will set that up…I have not called the National hotline, but I’m sure they can do something to get you through. And if that won’t do, call a friend, do anything but end your life. You’re strong, you have to continue fighting.

And to all the lost souls that lost their battle, you were not weak, you were not a coward, you were not a crazy, insane, lunatic, & you are not going to hell. You are not all those awful things that people like to say about people who could not continue to fight their horrific demons every single second of the day. Only the people that really know how it is to live like this understand. It is hell everyday. It is terrible. But you have to fight. Fight. Never give up. Never.

I’m going to end this blog now. Hope you all enjoyed getting to know me a little better. Another blog will be up soon, thanks so much for reading, you have no idea how much it means to me. Love to you all, until next time…

Sydney xoxo