Tendencies

When I started to realize something was wrong with me a long time ago, I did not realize the agony in which I would go through 24/7. My only escape is sleep, I thought, but even then I couldn’t escape the demons. I was constantly suicidal. I thought about it almost every minute of the day. But then the worst emotions came on…I began to have homicidal thoughts. Those are the thoughts that almost killed me. They were so strong. Eating away at me. I really thought I was going to kill someone. I almost burned my house down, to kill everyone inside & the houses of anyone who I hated…I would stand outside thinking, plotting, reeling. I remember taking a hammer up to my room thinking that the next person who opened my door I was going to use it. I was rocking back and forth with it in my hands. Those are just some examples. Even more than I thought I was going to kill myself, I was going to hurt someone else. Luckily, the homicidal thoughts made the suicidal ones stronger after awhile…I was not going to take anyone down with me. I refused.

Do I still have those tendencies? All the time. I have been able to control them better than before though. Why? I don’t know. I know I am a coward…I know I will never actually take my own life. I don’t have the guts. Taking someone else’s life? I will never spend a day in prison, I couldn’t fucking do it, ever. Obviously, murder is the worst crime and you shouldn’t do it anyway…but when you are tortured with horrific thoughts, it destroys your rational thought process, it breaks it down and you HAVE to be strong or else it will end up destroying you completely.

As far as how I’ve almost tried to kill myself…I have almost succeeded by hanging, setting a room on fire, overdosing on pills. It’s crazy I am still here. How one of them didn’t work. I changed my mind. I still can’t understand why unless I knew I was meant to do something with my life. No, maybe I was scared. Scared to death, of death. Maybe both.

My first attempt was back in 2004 when I tried to hang myself. I was going in & out of consciousness by the time I decided to get down. I was so scared. I remember the rope burn was unbearable. Soon after that was my first hospitalization. Then I knew there was something terribly wrong with me.

My second major attempt was when I stopped eating and relied solely on eating aspirins, rubbing alcohol, witch hazel, & hydrogen peroxide. My weight plummeted to under 80 pounds and I felt & looked terrible. I just wanted to die.

My third major attempt was setting a blanket on fire to kill myself. I completely blanked out…the fire almost burned me before I realized that I didn’t want to die this way. I felt so bad because the blanket wasn’t mine, but I was just so suicidal at the time.

My last major attempt was an overdose. I took Seroquel XR(which I was severely allergic to) with an entire bottle of wine. It took me over 2 weeks to recover from that suicide attempt.

Thankfully I am not that suicidal anymore. I still cry sometimes, I still feel like I wanna die, I still feel like killing people. But I am stronger than those emotions. I am very optimistic even though 99.99% of the time nothing seems like it’s ever going to change for me or my mom. But I have hope. I will remain hopeful, always. I will be strong because I feel like I was put on this planet to do something besides be another statistic. I am abusive, I admit it. I hate that I have to, but it’s true. I’m trying desperately to change. It’s difficult because I’m so mentally ill. But I will continue to try. Always…

Thanks for reading, again, it means the world to me. Until next time…

Sydney xoxo

 

 

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