Until Next Year…

I can’t believe it’s been over 3 months since I last blogged!!! I am SOOO fucking sorry. Luckily, not much has happened. But because I didn’t post earlier this month, Merry Christmas!🎁🎄🎁 And if you don’t celebrate Christmas, Happy whatever you celebrate & just Happy Holidays in general! If you follow me on Twitter(which is probably how you found this blog), you know what kind of info I post there. I post some stuff on Facebook & pictures & videos on Instagram obviously. But here, I can post ANYTHING I really want. I can say whatever I’m feeling without any judgement, mainly because no one reads my blog…but if you are reading this, THANK YOU SO MUCH. It means a lot. Whether you think I’m nuts or really think about things that I say on here, it means a lot. This is my year-end blog. Cutting it close since tomorrow it will be 2018, but hey, I am an expert procrastinator.😉

The holidays for me are very difficult. A TON of emotions hit me around this time. Thinking about how bad the year was…hoping and praying for things to change in the new year even though nothing will. And like I have probably said before, I don’t want pity. I am just posting everything that I’m feeling. If you were here, living like I have to live everyday both in my head & body & in my reality, you’d understand how unbelievably lost I am. I’m just a walking shell. I don’t know what to do. There is no help for me. There is no where to go, no one to talk to. Just nothing.😔

I don’t think I have the guts to kill myself. I wish I did all the time, like I did all those times before when I was so ready to die. I guess it’s because I have some little, tiny thing to get up for everyday…finding my dad. Which is so sad since my own mother still refuses to help me find him even though she knows & talks to people who could help me. But I still get up everyday because I still hope that one day I will meet my dad & his family or see his grave if he’s dead. Something. I have also prepared myself for the worse…if they all want nothing to do with me, then I have to live with that. I have always believed what I have heard, that black families are pretty tight-knit. I know that’s wishful thinking because that’s not always how that is, but I guess that’s part of the hope I have in my heart. Hope. Dreams.💭

My health has been declining lately. I think my body is just giving up. Making it easier for me wanting to give up & just die. Like I said, I have a reason to get up & breathe everyday, but it is very hard when you have to live in excruciating pain & not having any real diagnosis. Any diagnosis would help, no matter how bad. I will deal with it. But I just want to know what’s going on. I hate feeling so miserable.

I did get a job earlier this month. I was excited, at first. But I don’t think fast food is for me(I got a job at Burger King). Also, I don’t think getting a job is for me. I need a job I can do that will be suited for me. I’m not saying I’m helpless, but I need a job that is not too stressful & that I can sit down when I can. Yeah, I know, jobs like that are slim, especially in the shitty town & area I live in. I wish I could move. I don’t know where, because I want to stay around here in case my dad’s family is close by…I don’t want to be far away & then find them & then have to come back. So, hoping I find my dad & his family soon. Maybe then things will change if they accept me. Again, hoping for the best, but I know it’s not a guarantee at all.

I’m also feeling horrible because I’m truly afraid I will never find love. I’ve never had a real relationship or felt what real love is. I just want that. I’m not desperate, I’m not going to fuck the first person I meet just because. No, that’s not how this works. I want to feel something. I want to be accepted fully. I just want to be happy, to make someone else happy. I feel like I could even though I’m inexperienced. Maybe someday, but I just don’t ever think it’s going to happen. I’m trying online dating again even though it is just horrible. All the people I’ve met on dating sites are creepy as hell. And bad things have happened. Yuck. But maybe I’ll get lucky this time. If there is a connection, that’s all that matters. I do want children, but I am willing to have them naturally or by adoption. To me, it doesn’t matter. Whatever I can do, whatever myself & my partner can do. If it happens, it happens, if not, I guess I’ll have to live with that.🤰🏾👶🏾🍼

I have decided that I will be writing blogs more in the new year. I’m not saying I will be posting every single week or anything, but I promise to do it at least a few times every month. I have several topics in mind I need to cover. No matter how long or short, if I feel like I’m in a good mindset, I will post it. I ONLY post a blog when I’m feeling myself. If I feel any bit off, I will not post. Even if I promise 10 times that day, if at the time I have set aside to write I’m not feeling good, something has happened, whatever, I will write my blog another day. I still have serious memory issues, but I shall do my best to remember everything I want to write here.

Alright, so I think this is all I want to include. I just hope that 2018 brings good things. I doubt it, but for some odd reason I will always have hope. Kinda-unwavering hope. Not sure if that makes me smart or stupid. Probably a little bit of both. I do promise that in my coming blogs I will be sure to not hold ANYTHING back. I try not to do that now, but I do. I try not to let my mental illness consume me, but most times that’s impossible. I want to be as honest as possible but not let the crazy really come through. Maybe I need to do that. We’ll see. I promise I’ll let you in more though. I think it will help me & will help you get to really know me better, too.

Okay, so this is it. My last blog of 2017. Was trying to get this blog over 1,100 words & I did it! Happy New Year’s Eve everyone & since I’m not posting until next year, Happy New Year!🎇🎉🎆 I hope you have an amazing 2018. And if you made it this far, THANK YOU SO MUCH for taking the time to read my blog! Much love to you always.😘💋

Sydney xoxo

 

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