A Beautiful Mess

Happy New Year, y’all!!!!🎉 Welcome to 2018. Hopefully it is a great year for you. I have made several decisions lately that I’m very excited about. I have decided to go back so school. I have been out of school now for almost 8 years. The main reason I didn’t go back to school right after I graduated high school is because I wasn’t 100% sure about what I wanted to do & also, my health issues started soon after. So, I’m looking into a few options.

Also, I am very serious in wanting to date. I want to have a relationship with someone. I know, I know, why? Simple: I want to know what love is. Doesn’t everyone deserve that? They do. I know I have some baggage as far as all my health issues & the fact that I have been damaged in the past by every single person I’ve been involved with in any way, shape, or form. I’m trying online dating since I don’t get out much and even if I did, I’m good at all at initiating conversations with anyone, let alone someone I find attractive. So, I’ll keep y’all updated on how it goes. I’m on one site seriously(which means I don’t have to pay to message people because fuck that). So, we’ll see how it goes. I always at least get sex out of the deals, which is sad, I know, & I don’t want it to be that way this time, I’m seriously looking for an actual relationship, not just causal sex. But sex would be nice, haven’t had it in almost FOUR years. WHAT?!?!?!?!? I’m fucking serious. Not since before I got seriously ill in 2014. Too long, too long.😒

As far as schooling that I was talking about above, I really want to do it. I tried working at a Burger King near my house in the middle of last month & I honestly HATED it with a passion. I REALLY tried to like it, I did, & I honestly thought I was going to like it. I don’t wanna say I’m above fast food, but…I am. I honestly don’t understand how people aspire to become managers at those places. WHY?!?!?!? It’s a literal nightmare. I know somebody has to do it because people live for fast food & I do applaud those people, but it’s just not for me. I just didn’t fit in. It also didn’t help that I picked working at one in a town of people who think they are better than everyone else. Ugh, fucking HATE those kind of people. So, I just never called or went back. I kinda hate being one of those people to leave like that, but fuck it, they didn’t treat me that well in the very short time I was there anyway. I need a real career doing something I actually want to do. I have been looking to go into radio & TV broadcasting school. For YEARS I have been told I should do radio, voiceover work, or actually be a sex phone operator(LOL, it’s totally true). I don’t know how many people over the years have told me they love my voice. I don’t agree, but hey, if I can make money with this voice, good money, why not give it a shot? The school I found even has a night option, which is PERFECT considering I am a serious night owl & could never make it there any time before 4 p.m. Depending on when I could start, I could start soon & get my certificate & have a job around this time next year. I’m VERY excited about this & hope it will work out. This would be such an awesome opportunity for me.

My health is my biggest obstacle right now. I have severe tooth decay due to having Type 2 Diabetes, being a smoker, having immune system issues, & also the medications I’m on. So I have to see a dentist soon & work it out so I can get some dental work done. I also went in last Thursday for a pelvic ultrasound due to the problems I am having with my bladder. I have severe pain 24/7 & if I went to the bathroom every single time I felt like I had to, I wouldn’t ever leave the toilet. I also am seeing blood in my urine. I had a UTI but I was having an allergic reaction to the antibiotic & the pain medicine so I had to stop. Not sure if it went away just taking a few of the pills, so have to check that out in addition to whatever the pelvic ultrasound says. I’m hoping it is good news but I have to say just looking & comparing it to ones on the internet, it doesn’t look too good. I know, I know, I shouldn’t do that, but come on, with my symptoms, it really feels like something is really wrong this time. I just don’t feel well at all. My mood is more unstable & my body just feels yucky all the time. I constantly feel like I’m getting the flu, so I’ve been having to take a bunch of cold pills so I don’t wake up sick. My bones ache & I’m so tired. I also am nauseous. It just sucks. My anxiety isn’t really that bad though even though it could really be bad news, so I guess that’s positive. My state of mind is just erratic as all hell, though, so I’m just not really sure what is going on. I’m having severe chest pains, but I also have severe arthritis in my chest that isn’t being really treated, so I need to see my new PCP Haley & see if she can get me something to help with that. I also have GERD that’s really bad & I need to follow-up with gastro here soon to see what can be done about that. I’m a fucking mess.😴🤢🤮🤧😷🤒🤕😵

I just wish I had people I could talk to all the time. I did talk to my case worker at the counseling center I go to & he has a new counselor in mind for me. I haven’t even wanted to see one since my old one left. I could talk to Mel about anything & I knew she wasn’t going to bullshit me. She was going to give it to me straight no matter what. The only person I can bounce shit off of where I live is alright, but it’s just becoming redundant & annoying. I need more people like this around here or at least I can call or text for longer than 10 minutes & be open minded to what I say. I guess that’s why I write a blog…

OMG, I got a Contigo cup & a HotLogic Mini for myself…ah, they are both PERECTION!!! The Contigo cup is so perfect for me since I always spill my drinks no matter what, so now I have a cup that is totally leak proof. The HotLogic Mini is a portable oven/slow cooker, got it from HSN. It works so beautifully, makes me not want to ever use the microwave ever again, it cooks food so much better, one of my favorite purchases from HSN & trust me, I have bought A LOT from them over the last almost 3 years I’ve been buying from them. So, that’s something positive, LOL.

Okay, I’m gonna end this one here. I MAY get around to doing at least one more blog later today. If I don’t, I’ll have to get around to doing at least one more Thursday at the earliest, Sunday/Monday at the latest. We’ll see what I can do. Thanks for reading, especially you, Michael, & Paladin of course!!!!See y’all on the next one!!!!💋 

Sydney xoxo


One thought on “A Beautiful Mess

  1. I think going back to school is great idea,maybe take a free online class to start with to see how you like it. Lets us know how the new counselor is like,having someone to talk is a real Godsend. I swear I the cheetah could be certified as one with all the times we talk about life.
    Good entry,Sydney,keep going……


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