This is not the only place I get to vent. I get to vent to the only friend I have in my town. And also to the voices that I hear. We talk about EVERYTHING. Things I can’t really put in a blog. Why? Well, let’s just say that they are beyond Rated-R. Also, I just won’t post those topics anywhere just because I don’t want to. And next month, I hope I will be able to vent to my new counselor. I’m super excited, I haven’t had a good counselor in way over a year.
Oh, so my pelvic ultrasound came back negative. So, there’s that good news. Also, I was allergic to the pain medicine I was given for the UTI, not the antibiotic. Taking the rest of them so that the UTI will completely go away. The pain hasn’t completely gone away which has me bothered. So I need to get in to see a gynecologist soon. Will probably schedule something next week. Also, I need definitely need to make that dentist appointment next week. It sucks that I will have to go in the snow, but my teeth are getting worse everyday. I can’t take the pain. I pound chewable aspirins like it’s my job. So I’m thinking that more than likely, I will have to have most of my teeth pulled or cut out & get partials or a whole new set of pearls. It sucks, but due to all that’s going on with my body, I can understand why they are decaying so badly. Like I said in my last blog, it is a combination of me being a semi-regular smoker, the multitude of medications I take & have taken, my autoimmune issues, the fact that I have Type 2 Diabetes, my gastroenterial reflux disease, & the fact that I’m not biggest fan of the dentist even though I usually walk out in a good mood. A serious combo that unfortunately will cost me several teeth. But I’m hoping I have a dentist that will be able to help me save the rest…if not, so be it.
I also am going to have to have surgery. I have a ganglion cyst on my bad wrist that I sprained severely & then broke within 2 years. Problem is, it is my right wrist & I am righthanded. But I have arthritis pretty bad in my hand & wrist, so obviously the cyst is making it even more fucking painful than usual. Been dealing with this since the middle of last year but I just haven’t gotten around to getting the surgery done. But the pain is outrageous so I need to get it done. Making an appointment with my orthodopeic doctor so we can set up a date to get it taken out.
So, yeah, lots of appointments I need to schedule next week. Going to be a VERY busy February. Hopefully won’t have to reschedule a lot due to the weather. The weather here is crazy. Fifty degrees one day, twenty the next. I have no idea how every single person is not super sick with these insane up & down weather changes. It either needs to stay cold or stay semi-warm(which is what I want). Not this Spring-like weather one day & Siberia-like weather the next. Ugh.😑
So, I got a meeting with a school to discuss me possibly going there. I’m SOOOOO excited!!!! It’s a radio & TV broadcasting school in Cleveland. My plan is to attend Monday, Tuesdays, & Wednesdays & since they are awesome & have a night school option, I’m hoping to do that. They have a few different programs but I want to go for actual radio & TV broadcasting. This is something I have been interested in for a long time. I love watching HSN, JTV, & QVC(I have only bought from HSN though) & would love to do that. I actually fucking hate talk shows, though, LOL, although I would love to host one. I also love radio shows. I don’t really listen to the radio much anymore, but I still love it & would absolutely love to do it. I would actually rather do radio than TV honestly. I have zero self confidence, so it would be better for me to be heard & not seen. Will update to see how the school tour & meetings go.📻📺
Online dating sucks. Dating sucks. I will never find the right person for me. Never. I guess it’s just not in the cards for me. Mostly all I’ve met online are awful people who just want sex or people who I actually consider friends who I end liking the “wrong” way. Why though?!?!?!?!?😔 It sucks. My life is such a shit-show. I don’t know why I’m still alive honestly. I can’t wait to be dead honestly. Oh what a glorious day that will be…I can only imagine.
Am I suicidal? Absolutely. Would I pull the trigger right now if I had a gun? Absolutely. It’s devastating being this low & really just not knowing what to do. I keep thinking about the main times I almost died & how absolutely angry I am that I survived those times. I didn’t deserve to survive. I didn’t want to want survive. The last time I almost died was about 7 years ago, I overdosed. When I woke up, I couldn’t believe it. I really was in total shock. I didn’t want it to be true. No one would care that I was dead anyway. I’m not feeling any kind of pity, I’m just being honest. I would finally be at peace. I wouldn’t have to do this anymore. I’m tired of doing this. Dying is my escape. I’m a walking shell. So beyond empty.
I do hope to inspire at least one person. If I do end up taking my own life, I hope that my blogs I leave behind reach people who are hurting. Please get help.
Thanks to everyone who reads my blogs. It means SOOOO much to me. I will be doing my #MeToo blogs detailing my sexual assaults either later today(Saturday) or tomorrow or maybe even Monday morning. Again, thanks so much for reading. Until next time…