Why I feel the need to blog at almost 2 a.m. is beyond me. The title of this blog comes from one of my all-time favorite songs by Natalie Merchant. I’m listening to it on YouTube over & over again. It’s the song of my life for sure. If you’ve never heard it, go to YouTube right now & listen to it. It is so beautiful & haunting. It was also one of Aileen Wournos’ favorite songs…she requested it be played at her memorial service. As soon as I listened to the song after learning that information, it was honestly like the song was written for her. As horrible as the crimes she committed were, my heart will always break for her. We have A LOT in common. I haven’t killed 7 people & am not a hooker, but anyway, you get what I mean. I feel a connection to her for some odd reason. Maybe because we both have the same diagnosis-Borderline Personality Disorder. It is a severe mental illness, one that can be absolutely devastating even with treatment. I could easily see me doing the exact same thing Aileen did at the end. It’s not impossible. I could just snap one day. Totally plausible.

I have also decided to get my health back to normal before I begin to date. Honestly, I don’t even think I want to date. Maybe sex, but then again, I may not even want that. I just don’t want to do anything but go to radio & TV school, shop until I have everything I want & need, exercise, get my health issues figured out, find my dad & his family, & fix up the house I currently live in instead of trying to save up to move into a new place. Hoping to have the house as livable as possible by the end of June. Starting that huge project once Winter is over & this crazy-ass weather makes up its damn mind. I have to lose all this weight I have put on due to being sick…which I think a lot of it was mental instead of anything else. I also need to completely stop smoking. Hoping to be down to at least 140 by July 31st. I’ve already lost 10 pounds, I’m at 190, so I’m close. Only 50 more pounds to go. Thinking about getting a gym membership soon & doing there when I can. At least 2 days a week. I LIVE for Pinterest, so I have found a lot of tips & tricks to use. Cutting out my beloved Coca Cola mostly, which is gonna hurt, but it has to happen. I’m not going to try to go back to work. I need to keep all of my monthly check to use for bills & buying things I need & really want. I need to focus on getting the house in as tip-top shape as possible, finding my dad & his family, & getting my health back on track. Hoping by New Year’s Eve my life has changed for the better. I need to take care of #1 & truly love myself before I try to love another person…which I highly doubt will ever even happen, but strange things happen in the real world all the time.

As far as my health, I’m seeing every kind of doctor I need to see. I gotta stop blowing them off or sugar-coating what I tell them. I want answers. I’m tired of feeling the way I do. Like I said in my last blog, I will be making appointments starting tomorrow(Monday). Seeing about getting in to see a dentist to see what can be done to fix my decaying mouth. Calling to make an appointment with a gynecologist to see if I can find out where this vaginal pain is coming from. Calling my orthopedist to schedule surgery to remove a ganglion cyst from my bad wrist. Calling to reschedule an appointment with my gastroenterologist to see if my gastric bezoar is gone(which I doubt because I loathe Diet Coke & also my symptoms have increased). Scheduling with my podiatrist to get help with the increased pain in my feet. Also rescheduling with my endocrinologist to see how my diabetes are doing. Haven’t really been checking my sugar levels(I know, I know, I know). And also scheduling with my neurologist to see if he can, at last, give me a diagnosis. Woo. Going to be busy this week calling & calling & calling. But I need answers. I need to have diagnoses. I don’t care. I want to know what is going on in my body that is keeping me feeling like shit 24/7.

I also have figured out what to send to my friends as late Christmas presents. I’m not mad about it, just wanna get them bought & shipped so I can forget about them. So those will be all out in the mail by Valentine’s Day. Thank fucking God.

Alright, after almost 2 hours of writing, I am done with this completely random blog. Just felt like writing for some reason. I just wanted to clarify some things & expand on some things. My #MeToo blog & another Get To Know Me Blog will be up by the time I go to bed Sunday night/Monday night. Until then, thanks to all who are reading this blog & all of my blogs.

Sydney xoxo


One thought on “Carnival

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