Just got cleaned up, so I’m feeling calm & refreshed.  So I thought I’d do a blog I have been promising I would do. A blog no one wants to do. But due to the recent atrocities that have surfaced in Hollywood & the hashtag, all the memories of my sexual assaults which I think about every single day have gotten stronger unfortunately, which has made me extremely depressed. I understand why people who suffer from any kind of sexual abuse kill themselves. I wanted to as soon as the first one happened. Sexual abuse destroys your soul entirely. I will never get over it. Well, let’s dive into what happened to me…

The first sexual assault happened to me when I was 13. It was about a year after I tried to hang myself & I was diagnosed as being mentally ill. At the time I was sexually abused, I was living with family members due to having been put in foster care & that not working out…foster care is HORRIBLE. It is a true nightmare. I swore I didn’t know if anything could make me feel worse. But then August 2005 happened(it was either the 22th, 23rd,or 24th). I was in Columbus, OH with my mom & aunt to see The Phantom of the Opera in theatre. We stayed in a hotel. The day after the performance, in the morning before checkout time, I went down to the pool. As always, I went straight to the hot tub. There was an older black man in there, but I thought nothing of it. We chatted for a few minutes & just sat and relaxed. Then I noticed him coming towards me. I didn’t know what he was doing. He grabbed me & started touching me. I wanted to scream, but I was completely frozen. I knew there was a maintenance worked in the maintenance room on the other side of the pool room, so I was praying he would come out & see what was going on. He didn’t. I was wearing a one-piece bathing suit. The man put his fingers up pretty far inside my vagina & anus. He was rubbing my vagina. I was so scared. I was not in the best position to scream; he could of easily hurt me. I was trying to move, but he had me pinned down with his other hand. The breaking point for me was when he pulled down the top of my bathing suit & started sucking my breasts. I was able to pull away & go to the pool, but he followed me & acted like nothing happened. I tried to be as nice as possible because I was afraid of what he would do next. He invited me back to his room as I started to leave. Obviously I didn’t go. I went back to my hotel room & immediately took a shower. It didn’t help-I still felt completely dirty. I wore a skirt that day & I just felt like it was going to happen to me again. I felt awful. I wanted to tell my mom & aunt, but I was too afraid. I kept it a secret for about 2 years before I was able to tell anyone. I prayed that would be the last time I would experience this. I was so wrong.

The second time I was raped was in December 2007. I had just turned 16. I met the guy online in Yahoo! Chat when I was still a minor. He persuaded me to have sex with as soon as I turned 16. He told me he was older & that it would be fine if I was 16. But what always bothered me is that he wouldn’t tell me his last name no matter how many times I asked. I met him & as soon as I saw him in person, I was totally creeped out. Still trusting for some odd reason, I went with him. I felt like I felt with the man at the hotel every time he touched me. I refused to have sex with him, but at last I relented because he really wanted to & I just wanted to get it over with so I could go home. So he forced me to get on top of him & move so he could cum. It hurt of course, but I just felt so dirty. Even more shocking: I met with him again. Why? I have no idea. Do people actually trust their rapists??? It sounds crazy. It is crazy. The second time was no different. I can’t explain why I did it. There is no explanation. Trust can make you do insane things. Both of those times I consider the textbook definiton of contact sexual assault.

The third time I was raped was a drug-facilitated sexual assault in early 2009. I had no clue the guy who raped me was bringing weed, especially as strong as it was. I had no control. I took only a few hits but I was dizzy, disoriented, my vision was blurry.  I only have memories of the sexual assault itself…I can’t remember anything I did after, how I got home, what I did when I got there, nothing. I just remember laying down in the grass in the park in my hometown completely out in the open, which is why I think I remember it, & him kinda forcing me to pull my pants down & sit on top of him. I think I’ve always known this was probably rape, but I didn’t want to believe it. Not again. Not again. Not again.

The final time I was raped was honestly probably the worst. I met this guy online, as I have with 3 out of the 4. It was 2009. He was telling me things I wanted to here. I liked him & he wanted to date me. He didn’t live too far from me. I went to meet him one day & was kinda aware we were going to have sex. We tried different places to have sex but then he decided it was going to be behind a dumpster in an alley. Before this, he gave me my only hickey, it was gigantic. But he just sat on the ground & grabbed me, pulled down my pants & had me sit on top of him. As soon as he started to fuck me, I knew there was a problem. It hurt SOOOOO bad. I started to tell him it hurt & I tried to push myself up but he was holding me down so tight. I started to kinda cry due to the pain. I just kept hitting on him & telling him to stop & that it hurts. The whole thing lasted about 3 minutes is all. He came A LOT. So much so that my pants were soaked. My mom dropped me off to meet him & had left to go to the store, so I sat in the restaurant next to where the rape took place & just relived it & praying it wasn’t true. Within 48 hours, I was in the emergency room. I had one of the most severe STI/STDs there is, I literally felt like I was going to die, I was in such horrific pain. I knew then that I had been raped solely to be given a serious STI/STD. I really couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t.

So, there are my stories of the occasions I was unfortunately raped. I wish I could say these aren’t true. And I also wish I could say all these men were punished for these incidents. I was just scared & honestly, I felt like no one would listen to me. A mentally ill woman telling the police I had been sexually assaulted. I was just hoping it was nightmare. I also blamed myself because I knew I had put myself in all these situations, so I have to take a lot of the blame. I know the first one I could of prosecuted because I’m sure there were probably cameras. I was just young & pretty mentally ill. And stupid. The next one was just me being extremely naive. The drug-facilitated one was just that, I was drugged. The last one, I was naive & stupid as fuck, I wanted a guy to like me, but I didn’t expect to be a victim of rape again. 4 different men. 4 horrific situations. I guess I’m just glad I made it out alive.

If you are a victim of any kind of sexual abuse, remember that you are not alone. I have also been sexually harassed, but honestly, I wish this whole blog would of been about 4 instances of that then me being sexually assaulted multiple times. Not saying that sexual harassment isn’t horrible, it is, but once you’ve been sexually assaulted, it kind of changes your perception. To me, sexual abuse is worse than being harassed. But both are horrible & should NEVER happen. EVER.

Sydney xoxo


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