Hellloooo!!!!!!!!!! First blog post on my brand new HP laptop from HSN. I LOVE IT!!!! Getting the hang of it pretty quickly, I’m pretty tech-literate, one of the only skills I have. So, I have bought a new computer mainly to replace one I shouldn’t of even bought. I still have no desire to work. I’m thinking about going to school for something online, but have no idea what. I have decided I have no desire to work right now. My health is not 100% yet, so I need to get that straightened out before I even think about working, even the little bit I’m allowed to & be able to keep my benefits.
I have been diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome, as I said in my last blog. I have a blood clot factor, so I cannot take birth control with estrogen, but I have to take birth control from now on unless I actually meet someone & want to try to get pregnant(hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha). I’m at a high risk for getting endometrial cancer having PCOS, so I have to be careful of that. Scary, but I’m dealing with it. Acne is a huge thing I’m dealing with right now due to PCOS. The worst part is having a hard time losing weight with PCOS. I HAVE to lose at least some of this weight. I fucking have to. My goal weight right now is 160 lbs. That means right now I have to lose about 40 pounds. I know I said in my last blog that my goal weight was like 135, which would be awesome, but with the PCOS that goal is going to be extremely hard to reach even in the next year. My goal date to be at 160 is August 1st. If I can’t reach 160 by then, I at least want to be down 20 pounds. 180 lbs. would be fucking awesome right now. Going to stop eating out & just eat meals at home & going to start walking & doing some exercises. I’m hoping to get a bike soon still, my mom is going to try to buy us both one, so we’ll see if we can budget that out & then I can start biking constantly. Will document my weight loss journey on Instagram & Snapchat, so be sure to follow me there, links here somewhere, LOL.
Dealing with some family issues. But honestly, it has made me realize that my family & my real friends mean the most to me & they HAVE to. I need to make trips & meet a bunch of my family members & all my online friends. I want to contact my family members & friends…I don’t want to be annoying, but I want to be close to them. I want to do things with them. It’s not too late yet. Someday it will be. I have so many regrets anyway, I don’t need more. I’ve really been able to communicate with my mom lately & let her in. She understands more & more which I am thankful for. I can’t go back in time, I can’t change the past. I have to try to make up for lost time with the people I can do that with. I want to kill myself everyday when I have the few memories I can remember from my past that really bother me. For example, my sexual assaults & my foster care experience both with an actual foster “family” & then with relatives, which I was just extremely angry & rebellious. Also, the anniversary of my aunt dying was just a few days ago & I remember my anger & grief that came with that, which eventually led me to my 3rd psychiatric hospitalization. So, yeah, doing a lot of reflecting & connecting. Of course I’ve been thinking about my dad. The day will come when I will be comfortable enough with myself to really push the issue & that will be the day I find his family. I feel that day coming soon. I hope I won’t be too late…
I have to have a hearing test done…having serious issues with pain in my ears. I was checked & I have a lot of fluid in them but the medicine I was taking for it didn’t work, so I have to see why I’m still in so much pain. I also still need to make appointments to get my teeth taken care of & the ganglion cyst taken out. I need the fucking weather in Ohio to cooperate so I can get all taken care of. Also, I think I’m getting sick, so I can’t see any doctor. If I’m not getting sick I think I’m getting laryngitis, which honestly is better than getting sick, at least I can still do stuff. Yes, I’m still smoking. I need to quit, which I know I can do, but I do need to do it now because it helps me control my eating, especially eating out which is a huge problem for me. I will probably have to end up having surgery on both my feet and my Achilles tendons due to how bad my feet are. They are such a problem. I’m going to go as long as I can without surgery, but that’s more than likely where I’m headed unfortunately. Ugh.
No more online dating. & if I do go back, it will NOT be on POF. That site is a total piece of shit. I will try others, as long as I don’t have to pay for them because fuck having to pay to find a guy who probably only wants to have sex. This last time I met some fucked up people on there, OMG they were so creepy & weird!!!!! Glad I’m done with that. It was such a migraine. Yuck. I will go back into the dating scene when I feel up to it, when I think I look good enough to date and also when I feel like it. I’m fine being alone right now…like I said above, really need to focus on my family & friends.
Not sure if we are moving or not. Will keep ya updating on this.
Okay, I think that is all I have to update y’all on right now. Got over my 1,000 word minimum I like to hit every blog, LOL. Anywho, another new blog will be up at some point soon. Thanks so much for reading, much love to ya, bye until next time!!!!